Work Jokes – Business Meeting Joke
Harry was working at a construction site when he came across a bottle. He popped it open and out came a Genie. “I gotta warn you,” said the Genie “I’m not that powerful but I’ll try my best.” “Well” said Harry, “I’m trying desperately to start a new business and I have a very important meeting tonight with a potential investor…” “I’ll tell you what,” said the Genie, “and this is the best I can do. I’ll give you a one time good luck charm. To start it say, 123. When you’re done, say 1234.” And with that the Genie was gone in a puff of smoke. Harry couldn’t believe his good luck. As he nervously tied his tie in front of the mirror, he kept on repeating over in his head 123, 123, 123. Harry nervously knocked on the rich man’s office. “Come in,” said the man in a deep imposing voice. OK, here goes thought Harry to himself as he sat down across from the man. Before he started he muttered to himself “123”, suddenly he knew everything would be OK. He opened up his mouth to start speaking but before he could say anything the man behind the desk pleasantly asked, “What did you say 123, for?”
Top 30 Funny Work Jokes
- Team work is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.
- When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, “A very good doctor”.
- I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
- When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people.
- I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
- I work to buy a car to go to work.
- Morning is the time when everyone is jealous of unemployed.
- My job is secure. No one else wants it.
- I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes – about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
- Don’t be irreplaceable – if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.
- Where does one apply to be a “kept man”?
- It doesn’t matter how much you work, there will always be an asshole that works less but gets more.
- Why kill time when you can make it work for you?
- Lawyers really aren’t so bad, it’s just ninety-nine percent of lawyers that make the rest look bad.
- My resumé is just a list of things I hope you never ask me to do.
- Before I buy a leaf blower I want to make sure I understand the rules. We just blow the leaves at each other’s houses, right?
- Secret to success is to know who to blame for your failures.
- If every day is a gift, I’d like a receipt for Monday. I want to exchange it for another Friday.
- You don’t work – you don’t have money to live, you work – there’s no time to live.
- 42 percent of statistics are made up!
- A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
- Feeling stressed out? Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
- A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
- If you get in the mood to do some work, someone will always wake you up.
- If something goes wrong at the office, blame the guy who can’t speak English…
- I use artificial sweetener at work. I add it to everything I say to my boss.
- FRIDAY is my second favorite F word.
- If homework goes too easy you are doing it wrong.
- Whats the difference between a jeweler and a jailer? One sells watches and one watches cells.
- Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun a lot more work.
Work Jokes – Tie Joke
On the day of my big job interview I woke up late. Frantically I threw on a suit. “OH NO!” I thought. “MY TIE! My Dad was out of town and wasn’t there to help me, and for the life of me I did not know how to tie a tie! I grabbed a tie and ran out the door. “Excuse me sir,” I said to the crossing guard, “I have an important job interview, can you please help me make this tie?!” “Sure” said the guard, “just lie down on this bench.” Well if someone was going to help me I wasn’t going to ask any questions. After he finished and the tie looked good I just had to ask why I had to lie down. “Well in my previous job I learned how to tie tie’s on other people when they were lying down. He replied. What was your previous job? I asked incredulously. “I ran a morg.” Was the reply.
Work Jokes – Happy Boss Joke
My boss called me into his office today. “We both know you’re not the brightest spark here, Simon,” he said, “but over the last 5 years you’ve never been sick or late and I think you deserve a reward. So, how does a brand new car sound?” “Vrooom! Vrooooom!” I replied.
Work Jokes – Interview Joke
Always self conscious of his lack of ears, whenever Bob would interview a future employee, he would as him “what do you notice different about me?”. If the employee would mention his lack of ears (which often they did), it would be a for sure “no” for the job. However if the employee would mention something else, he would hire the guy. One year, at the yearly Holiday business party, Bob approached his most recent hireling and asked him if he remembered the last question he had asked him when interviewing him for the job. “Sure I do” was his reply. “You asked me what was different about you and I said that you were wearing contact lenses.” “Of all things to answer”, Bob questioned curiously, “why was that the thing you noticed?” “Well, to be honest, it was quite simple. How could you possibly be wearing glasses if you don’t have any ears!”
Work Jokes – Working Joke
“Frank Smith,” announced the judge, “for breaking into a house in the middle of the night, I sentence you to two year in prison.” “But your honor,” pleaded Smith, “last time I was in court you sentenced me to a year in jail for breaking into a house in the day! If not in the middle of the night, and not in the middle of the day, just when am I supposed to earn my living?”
Work Jokes – Raise Joke
Sam walks into his boss’s office. “Sir, I’ll be straight with you, I know the economy isn’t great, but I have over three companies after me, and I would like to respectfully ask for a raise.” After a few minutes of haggling the boss finally agrees to a 5% raise, and Sam happily gets up to leave. “By the way”, asks the boss as Sam is getting up, “which three companies are after you?” “The electric company, water company, and phone company”, Sam replied.
Work Jokes – A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. “Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you did not give a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?” The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?” Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, “Um, no.” The lawyer interrupts, “Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?” The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again. “Or that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident,” the lawyer’s voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with three children?!” The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, “I had no idea.” On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, “So if I don’t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?”
Work Jokes – “What do you want to be when you grow up?” “A doctor.” “And why’s that?” “Because it’s the only profession where you can tell women to take off their clothes and then stick their husbands with the bill.”
Work Jokes – What do lawyers use as contraceptives? Their personalities.
Work Jokes – As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, “All right! All you idiots fall out.” As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention. The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye to eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, “Sure was a lot of ’em, huh, sir?”
Work Jokes – What did the psychiatrist say when a man wearing nothing but saran wrap walked in to the office? I can clearly see “you’re” nuts….
Work Jokes – Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “And what starting salary are you looking for?” The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.” The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?” The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?” The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”
Work Jokes – An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.
Work Jokes – A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he’s smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than an sheriff from West Virginia. The sheriff asks for license and registration. The lawyer asks, “What for?” The sheriff responds, “You didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign.” The lawyer says, “I slowed down and no one was coming.” “You still didn’t come to a complete stop. License and registration please,” say the sheriff impatiently. The lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.” The sheriff says, “That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle.” The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it. The sheriff says, “Do you want me to stop or just slow down?”
Work Jokes – Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.” The man replies, “And how would you do that?” The woman says, “Just wait and see.” She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, “What are you doing?” The woman replies, “I’m a light bulb.” The boss then says, “You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.” The man starts to follow her and the boss says, “Where are you going?” The man says, “I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.”
Work Jokes – A doctor reaches into his smock to get a pen to write a prescription and pulls out a rectal thermometer. “Oh, damn it,” he proclaims, “Some asshole has my pen!”
More Funny Work Jokes
Funny Work Jokes – Parenting Joke
Today’s Parenting Tip: Treat a difficult child the way you would your boss at work. Praise his achievements, ignore his tantrums and resist the urge to sit him down and explain to him how his brain is not yet fully developed.
Funny Work Jokes – How A Lawyer Bills Joke
A doctor and a lawyer were both at a reception. The lawyer noticed that people were constantly coming over to the doctor. “Why are so many people coming over to you?” asked the lawyer. “It’s terrible,” sighed the doctor, “ever since I became a doctor I don’t have a moments peace, people are constantly coming over to me for medical advice.” “I’ll tell you what I do,” said the lawyer with a sneer , “I send them a bill in the mail.” The doctor agreed with the lawyer that this was a good solution. The next day upon mailing the bills he was surprised to see a letter from the lawyer, he was even more surprised when he opened it………….it was a bill!
Funny Work Jokes – An Honest What?
A little boy was in a cemetery with his mother “Mommy” the boy asked , “do they ever bury two people in the same grave?” “Of course not, dear.” replied the mother, “Why would you think that?” “The tombstone back there said, Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.”
Funny Work Jokes – Lawyers Daughter Joke
Q. What did the lawyer name his daughter?
A. Sue. Rate this Joke!
Funny Work Jokes – Getting Overpaid
An employee approached his boss regarding a dispute on his pay-check… Employee – Sir, this is $100 less than my salary. Boss – I know. But last month, when you were overpaid $100, by mistake, you didn’t complain! Employee – Well, I don’t mind an occasional mistake, sir, but it seems to be becoming a habit, now!
Funny Work Jokes – Who Is The Real Boss?
The Boss of our small company was complaining during a staff meeting that people didn’t respect him enough. Trying to change the attitude in the office he came in the next day with a sign for his door it said, “I am the boss”. One of the employees apparently not appreciating the change posted a post-a-note on the sign it said “your wife wants her sign back
Funny Work Jokes – Secretary
A man walked into the office in a school. “Excuse me,” he said to the secretary “I would like to come to school, I want to learn to read and write.” “OK,” the secretary responded in a bored voice, “just fill out this form.”
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