Witty Jokes – A fellow’s wife went missing and being that everyone knew that he and his wife were in a big fight he was accused of murdering her and disposing of the body. When witness after witness came to the stand testifying to all sorts of horrible threats that the accused threatened his wife and things were looking quite dim for the accused the man’s lawyer got up to the stand.
Top 10 Short Witty Jokes
- Horse walks into a bar. Bartender says, “Why the long face?”
- A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, get out of here! We don’t serve mushrooms here”. Mushroom says, “why not? I’m a fungai!”
- I never make mistakes…I thought I did once; but I was wrong.
- What’s Beethoven’s favorite fruit?…Ba-na-na-naaa!
- What did the little fish say when he swam into a wall? DAM!
- “Ladies and Gentleman of the jury I have something quite exciting to tell you, if you would all please direct your attention towards the door behind me on my left you will see the supposedly dead women walk in on her own two feet.”
- There was a loud murmuring in the courtroom as all eyes turned towards the door. “Ladies and Gentleman” said the lawyer after a few seconds of anxious waiting, “To be honest with you, Nobody is going to be walking through the door, however from the fact that your eyes all turned towards the door it is quite obvious that you are not sure beyond the shadow of a doubt about my client’s guilt.”
- René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
The French philosopher’s most famous line is “I think, therefore I am.” His least famous line: “Is this seat taken?”
- What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
“Am I missing something? There’s no response.” That’s because rhetorical questions don’t get one. “Am I a dolt or what?” Umm …is that a rhetorical question?
- Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed everything!
A hyperbole is an exaggerated claim. No, really, realllllllllllyyyyy exaggerated. I mean, like, the most exaggerated thing in the history of ever!!
Witty Jokes – Bob Smith was sick of his job and was determined to find work elsewhere. But no matter how hard he tried, his reputation as someone who was not dedicated to the job, seemed to follow him around. One day the phone rang at his office. Although Bob did not usually pick up the phone, he picked it up and said hello. “Hi” said the man on the line, “I have an unusual question to ask you, I’m looking into a fellow Bob Smith for a position in my company. Do you know this fellow?” “Sure I know him”, responded Bob with a smile. “Tell me,” asked the man. “Is he consistent with his work? Does he always show up on time?” “Well I’ll be honest with you” Bob truthfully replied, “I’m not so consistent myself, but whenever I’m here he’s here!”
Witty Jokes – Earlier today in court
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Funny Witty Jokes
Funny Witty Jokes – To the lawyer’s great surprise, the jury decided that the man was guilty.
“But how could you say that he is guilty? Didn’t I prove it to you?” Questioned the lawyer.
“It is true that we all turned towards the door,” one old lady explained, “but there was person who didn’t.”
“Whose that?” Questioned the indignant lawyer.
“Your client.” Came the reply.
Funny Witty Jokes – Student: may i use the bathroom?
Teacher: as long as you can recite the alphabet.
Teacher: wheres the p?
Student: running down my leg.
Funny Witty Jokes – Most commen lies ever told:
“I didn’t do it”
“I have read and agreed to the Terms and Conditions”
Funny Witty Jokes – A mathematician wanders back home at 3 a.m. and proceeds to get an earful from his wife.
“You’re late!” she yells. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the mathematician replies coolly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
Divide 12 by 4, or a quarter. Now do you get it? (I didn’t. Someone had to tell me to do that.)
Funny Witty Jokes – Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
The only time nothing is negative is under the Christmas tree. So when counting down, happily stop at nothing—or zero—to avoid the dreaded negative numbers.
Funny Witty Jokes – C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar. The bartender shows them the door and says, “Sorry, we don’t serve minors.”
By themselves, the musical notes C, E-flat, and G are simply tones, neither major nor minor. But when played all at once, they form a C-minor chord. This had the gang in the orchestra pit howling.
More Witty Jokes
Short Witty Jokes – The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
Wait, did our copy editor fall into some cosmic wormhole? No, we just told the middle of the joke first, followed by the beginning. The time traveler hasn’t arrived at the end yet.
Short Witty Jokes – A ship, sailing past a remote island, spots a man who has been stranded there for several years. The captain goes ashore to rescue the man and notices three huts.
“What’s the first hut for?” he asks.
“That’s my house,” says the castaway.
“What’s the second hut for?”
“That’s my church.”
“And the third hut?”
“Oh, that?” sniffs the castaway. “That’s the church I used to go to.”
Even on an island of one, religion can be a tricky issue.
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Funny Jokes In English
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