Vulgar Jokes – Blow-jobs For Money
A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. “Where the hell do you think you’re going?” he says. “I’m going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free.”
Top 50 Most Funny Vulgar Jokes In English
- Q: What kind of bees produce milk? A: Boobies
- Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? A: Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.
- Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning? A: They don’t have balls to scratch.
- Q: What do bread and autistic kids have in common? A: They both have special needs
- Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator? A: Why are YOU shaking? She’s going to eat me!
- One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, “Please send me a sister.” Santa Clause wrote him back, “Ok, send me your mother.”
- Q; Whats the difference between the Florida State football team and a Florida State cheerleader? A: They both suck for four quarters.
- Q; What’s the difference between a rabbi and a priest? A: A rabbi cuts them off; A priest sucks them off
- Q: Why do dwarfs laugh when they play soccer? A: The grass tickles their balls
- Q: What do you get when you cross A-Rod with Chris Brown? A: A cheater, cheater, woman beater.
- Q: What is pink, goes in hard and dry and comes out soft and wet? A: Bubble Gum.
- Q: What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn’t? A: Her navel.
- Q: What does a good bar and a good woman have in common? A: Liquor in the front and poker in the back!
- Q: Why does the Easter Bunny hide Easter eggs? A: He doesn’t want anyone knowing he’s been fucking the chickens!
- Q: What is the difference between erotic and kinky? A: Erotic is using a feather….kinky is using the whole chicken.
- Q: Did you hear Lorena Bobbit just died? A: Yeah I heard she was on the freeway and some dick cut her off.
- Q: When does a cub become a boy scout? A: When he eats his first Brownie.
- Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? A: Wiped his ass.
- Q: How do you tell if a chick is too fat to fuck ? A: When you pull her pants down her ass is still in them
- Q: What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common? A: By the time you’re finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.
- Q: Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team? A: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.
- Q: What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic? A: Halfway.
- Q: Why can’t Jesus play hockey? A: He keeps getting nailed to the boards.
- Q: What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A: A trip without the kids!
- Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours? A: Nacho Cheese.
- Q: Why don’t orphans play baseball? A: They don’t know where home is
- Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? A: Wiped his ass.
- Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex? A. Call her and tell her.
- Q: Why don’t bunnies make noise when they have sex? A: Because they have cotton balls.
- Q: What’s the difference between a girlfriend and wife? A: 45 lbs.
- Q: Why was the African American girl quiet during the movie? A: She wasn’t.
- Q: Why do black people not like to go on cruises? A: They already fell for that trick once.
- Q: What’s the job application to Hooters? A: They just give you a bra and say: Here, fill this out.
- Q: Whats the hardest part of rollerblading? A: Telling your parents that you are gay.
- Q: What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? A: Does this taste funny to you?
- Q: Why don’t blind people skydive? A: It scares the shit out of their dogs!
- Q: What does D.A.M stand for? A: Mothers Against Dyslexia.
- Q: What do you get when you mix puppies and rabbits? A: Puppets.
- Q: What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? A: It only takes one nail to hang a picture of Jesus.
- Q: How many dead babies does it take to paint a house? A: It depends on how hard you throw them.
- Q: What’s the difference between love, true love, and showing off? A: Spit, swallow, and gargle,
- Q: What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? A: Slap her on the ass and tell her to get back to work.
- Q: Why do they call it the wonder bra? A: When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.
- Q: What’s sicker than having sex with a pregnant woman? A: Having sex with a pregnant woman and getting a bj by the baby.
- Q: What do you call a teenage girl who doesn’t masturbate? A: A liar.
- Q: Whats the best thing about dating homeless chicks? A: You can drop them off anywhere.
- Q: What is Moby Dick’s dad’s name? A: Papa Boner
- Q: What do you get when you cross a potato and corn? A: porn
- Q: How do you eat a squirrel? A: You spread its little legs.
- Q: Ever had sex while camping? A: It’s fucking intents.
Vulgar Jokes – An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
“How do you feel about s*x?” he asked, rather tentatively.
“I would like it infrequently “, she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, “Is that one word or two?”
Vulgar Jokes – A little boy walks into his parents’ room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down.
The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen.
She dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his mom and asks, “What were you and Dad doing?”
The mother replies, “Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it.”
“You’re wasting your time,” said the boy.
“Why is that?” asked his mom, puzzled.
“Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up.”
Vulgar Jokes – Handjob
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren’t enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, “I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!” The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he’s had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, “That’s funny, I dreamed I was skiing!”
Vulgar Jokes – “Two hookers were on a street corner. They started discussing business and one of the hookers said, “Yep, it’s gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the air.” The other hooker looked at her and said, “No, no. I just burped.”
Vulgar Jokes – Flaslight
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, “Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!”. The woman says, “Me too, you’ve been eating grass for the past ten minutes!”
Vulgar Jokes – “An old lady went to visit her dentist. When it was her turn, she sat in the chair, lowered her underpants, and raised her legs. The dentist said, “Excuse me, but I’m not a gynecologist.” “I know,” said the old lady. “I want you to take my husband’s teeth out.”
Vulgar Jokes – Sexual Exhaustion
A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow’s final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member’s death. One smart ass, male student said, “What about extreme sexual exhaustion?”, and the whole classroom burst into laughter. After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, “Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write.”
Vulgar Jokes – “man and a woman were approaching their 50th wedding anniversary. To celebrate, the woman decided she would cook a big dinner for her husband. Then he said they should do what they did on their wedding night, and eat at the dinner table naked. The woman agreed. On their anniversary night, at the table, the woman says, “Honey, my nipples are as hot for you as they were 50 years ago.” The man replies, “Madge, hon, that’s because they are sitting in your soup.
Vulgar Jokes – The wife bought a new see through nighty, wore it without any underclothes and came swinging before the husband. Aroused Husband says, “You look so beautiful and sexy my darling.” The wife says, “I know that, I tried it the same way at the store and the salesman was the first one to tell me that.”
Vulgar Jokes – Once upon a time there was a bear and a rabbit. The bear was taking a shit in the woods when he asked the rabbit if he had problems with shit sticking to its fur. The rabbit said no so the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.
Vulgar Jokes – Hung Chow calls in to work and says, “Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work.”
The boss says, “You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. Makes everything better and I can go to work. You try.”
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: “Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house.”
Vulgar Jokes – “shy but handsome fellow is sitting at a club, sipping a cocktail, and sees a beautiful woman seated alone at the bar. After an hour of screwing up his courage he finally heads over to her and asks tentatively, “Um, hi. Would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?” She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!” Everyone in the bar turns in unison and stares at them. Naturally, the poor guy is hopelessly”
Vulgar Jokes – God said to Adam, “I’ve got some good news and some bad news. First the good news. I have given you a brain and a p***s. The bad news… I’ve only given you enough blood to work one of them at a time!”
Vulgar Jokes – “hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he shuffles back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.” To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean, 200 dollars an hour!
Vulgar Jokes – A man is in a hotel lobby.
He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both startled and he says, “Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me.”
She replies, “if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 1221.”
Most Funny Vulgar Jokes In English
Most Funny Vulgar Jokes In English – Sex is like math:
Add the bed
Subtract the clothes
Divide the legs and pray you dont multiply
Most Funny Vulgar Jokes In English – This morning I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator.
I was staring at boobs and she said “Press One?”
So I did…
I don’t remember much after that.
Most Funny Vulgar Jokes In English – The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. “Of course, my son,” said the priest. “Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her.” “That’s a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess,” said the priest. “It’s worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors,” continued the old man. “Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly,” said the priest. “Thanks, Father,” said the old man. “That’s a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?” “Of course, my son,” said the priest. The old man asked, “Do I need to tell her that the war is over?”.
Most Funny Vulgar Jokes In English – There was three guys a sex addict a weed addict and a alcoholic they all went to hell for their sin and was standing in front of the devil. The devil made a deal with them saying I will lock you in a room with what ever you did for a 1000 years and if you get over any of your sins I will send you back to the land of the living, Earth. So the sex addict got locked in a room full of virgins, the alcohol addict got locked in a room full of beer, the weed addict locked in a room full of weed. 1000 years later the Devil goes to the sex addict he comes out saying “Aww my dick hurts I’m never having sex again”, poof back to earth. Open the alcoholic room and he say “Im never having beer”, and gets sent back to Earth. Then the Devil opens the weed addicts room and the Weed addict punches the Devil in the face and says “you forgot my lighter bitch!”
Most Funny Vulgar Jokes In English – A boss said to his secretary, “I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast.
I’ll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I’ll be done.”
She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but “Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn’t even have enough time to undressed himself.”
So she agrees.
Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, “what happened?”
She responds, “The Bastard used coins I’m still picking and he is still fu*king!”
Most Funny Vulgar Jokes In English – A man bought a Lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decided to test it at dinner: …
DAD : Son where were you today during school hours?
SON : At school
(robot slaps the Son and he immediately changes his mind)
Okay I went to the movies!
DAD : Which one?
SON : Harry Potter
(robot slaps Son again!)
Okay I was watching porno.
DAD : What? When I was your age I didn’t even know porno!
(robot slaps dad)
MUM : hahahahaha! After all he is your Son!
(robot gives Mum a hot dirty slap)
Most Funny Vulgar Jokes In English – A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better.
Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!”
The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying.
A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face.
She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”
Most Funny Vulgar Jokes In English – The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church. During mass, he asked the congregation, ‘Has anybody got a cock? All the men stood up. ‘No, no,’ he said, ‘that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?’ All the women stood up. ‘No, no,’ he said, ‘that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn’ t belong to them?’ Half the women stood up. ‘No, no,’ he said, ‘that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?’ Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up. The priest fainted.
Most Funny Vulgar Jokes In English – Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, “I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday.
She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants.
So, I’m stumped.” His buddy said, “I have an idea.
Why don’t you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it.
She’ll probably be thrilled!”
So the first fella did just that.
The next day his buddy asked, “Well, did you take my suggestion?
How did it turn out?”
“She loved it.
She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, ‘I’ll see you in two hours’.”
More Most Funny Vulgar Jokes
- Charlie marries a virgin.
On their wedding night, he’s on fire, and wants some dirty fun so he gets naked, jumps into bed, and immediately begins groping her.
“Charles, I expect you to be as mannerly in bed as you are at the dinner table.”
So, Charlie folds his hands on his lap and says, “Is this better?”
“Much better!” she replies with a smile.
“Okay, then,” he says, “now will you please pass the pussy.”
- In the Sex Ed class the teacher says, “All right, class, I want you to go home and come back tomorrow with as many positions as you can think of for making sex.” The next day she says to Little Johnny in the back, “Well, John, how many positions did you come up with?” Johnny says, “Seventy-three.” The teacher says, “Oh, my goodness…uh…very good, John, very good…” She calls on Becky in the front and says, “All right, Becky, how about you?” Becky says, “Gee, teacher, I only came up with one…where the guy just lays on top of the girl.” Johnny yells, “Seventy-four.”
- Why Trick-or-Treating Is Better Than Sex: – You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack. – If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again. – The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some. – You don’t have to keep in touch with the person who gives you some. – 40 years from now, you’ll still enjoy candy. – If you don’t like what you get, you can always go next door. – It doesn’t matter if the kids hear you moaning with pleasure. – You can do the whole neighborhood.
- I could never fight a gay guy.
I don’t know how to start.
“I’m gonna beat your ass…
I mean I’m gonna f*ck you up… no, I mean I’m stick my foot so far up your ass.. no, not like that, I mean Fuck you, damn it, I give up
- A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn’t please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said “I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!” He said, “Explain the kids!”
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