Toilet Jokes – If Bill Gates had a dime for every time a Windows box crashed…
…. Oh, wait a minute, he already does.
For the first time in, oh, a decade, I think, something from Microsoft shipped on time: Jennifer Katharine Gates, weighed 8 pounds 6 ounces when she was downloaded, er, born on Friday, April 26 at 6:11 p.m.
And what do Baby Gates and Daddy’s products have in common?
1. Neither can stand on its own two feet without a LOT of third party support.
2. Both barf all over themselves regularly.
3. Regardless of the problem, calling Microsoft Tech Support won’t help.
4. As they mature, we pray that they will be better than that which preceeded them.
5. At first release they’re relatively compact, but they seem to grow and grow and grow with each passing year.
6. Although announced with great fanfare, pretty much anyone could have produced one.
7. They arrive in shaky condition with inadequate documentation.
8. No matter what, it takes several months between the announcement and the actual release.
9. Bill gets the credit, but someone else did most of the work.
Top 6 Funny Toilet Jokes
Toilet Jokes – How many animals can you fit on a toilet ? One pussy and 1000 hares.
Toilet Jokes – An 80-year-old man went for his annual checkup, and the doctor said, “Friend, for your age you’re in the best shape I’ve seen.”
The old feller replied, “Yep. It comes from clean living. I know I live a good, clean, spiritual life.”
The doctor asked, “What makes you say that?”
The old man replied, “If I didn’t live a good, clean life, the Lord wouldn’t turn the bathroom light on for me every time I get up in the middle of the night.”
The doc was concerned. “You mean when you get up in the night to go to the bathroom, the Lord himself turns on the light for you?”
“Yep,” the old man said.
The doctor didn’t say anything else, but when the old man’s wife came in for her check up, he felt he had to let her know what her husband said.
“Your husband’s in fine physical shape,” the doctor said, “but I’m worried about his mental condition. He told me that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him.”
“Aha!!!” she exclaimed. “So HE’S the one who’s been peeing in the refrigerator!”
Toilet Jokes – A young man at his first job as a waiter in a diner has a large trucker sit down at the counter and order, “Gimme 3 flat tires and a couple of headlights.”
Bewildered he goes to the kitchen and tells the cook, “I think this guy’s in the wrong store, look at what he ordered!”
The cook says, “He wants 3 pancakes & 2 eggs sunny-side up.”
The waiter takes a bowl of BEANS to the trucker.
He looks at it and growls, “What’s this? I didn’t order this!”
The young man tells him, “The cook says that while you’re waiting for your parts you might as well gas up!”
Toilet Jokes – Things To Do In The Bathroom
Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
Say, “Hmmm, I’ve never seen that color before.”
Drop a marble and say, “Oh shit!! My glass eye!!”
Say, “Damn, this water is cold.”
Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantalope into the toilet bowl from a high place. Sigh relaxingly.
Say, “Humus. Reminds me of humus.”
Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, “Whoa! Easy boy!!”
Say,” Interesting….more sinkers than floaters”
Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, “Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?
Say, “Boy, that sure looks like a maggot!”
Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, “Peek-a-boo!”
Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing “Born Free.”
Toilet Jokes – A young man visited his sister who was married to a farmer in a poor district of the country. Since there were limited accommodations, he was required to sleep with his young nephew.
When the young man came into the bedroom, he saw the little boy kneeling at the side of the bed with his head bowed. Thinking this was the child’s religious upbringing, he decided to present a good example and kneeled at the other side of the bed with his head bowed. The child looked up and said, “Whatcha doin’?”
“Why, the same thing you’re doing”, replied the uncle.
“Ma’s gonna be mad”, said the boy. “The pot’s on this side”.
Toilet Jokes – One night at about 3AM my wife had just finished using the bathroom and was about to return to bed when she heard a little noise. It was a suspiciously rodent like sound that seemed to be right in the bathroom with her. She of course froze and listened attentively for any further sign of invaders. After a moment, satisfied that she was alone, she took a step for the door. Rodent scratchy sounds again! She froze, not breathing . . . Silence. Her heart beat fast as she once again tried to retreat from the bathroom.
This time the noise was accompanied by something touching the back of her leg! That was, of course, too much to bear. She literally flew the 8 feet to the bed, clearing the foot board by a couple feet, to land screaming by my side. This is not a pleasant way to wake up. Scrambling into consciousness, now scared half to death myself, I managed to get the light on.
The culprit was right there in plain sight, a trail of toilet paper neatly marked the path from bed to bathroom
Toilet Jokes – A construction site boss was interviewing men for a job, when along came Murphy. The boss thought I’m not hiring that lazy Irishman, so he decided to set a test for Murphy, hoping he wouldn’t be able to answer the questions, and he’d be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.
The first question was, Without using numbers, represent the number 9. So Murphy says, “Dat’s easy” and proceeds to draw three tree’s. The boss says, “What the hells that?” Murphy says “Tree ‘n tree n’ tree makes nine”. Fair enough, says the boss.
Second question, same rules, but represent 99. Murphy stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree. “Der ya go sir” he says. The boss scratches his head and says, ” How on earth do you get that to represent 99. Murphy says ” each tree’s dirty now! so it’s dirty tree, n’ dirty tree n’ dirty tree, dats 99.
The boss is getting worried he’s going to have to hire him, so he says “All right, question three. Same rules again, but represent the number 100”. Murphy stares into space again, then he shouts, “got it!” he makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says “There ya go sir 100.”
The boss looks at Murphy’s attempt and thinks, Ha! got him this time. “Go on Murphy, you must be mad if you think that represents a hundred.” Murphy leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says, “A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now you’ve got, dirty tree an’ a turd, dirty tree an’ a turd, an’ dirty tree an’ a turd, which makes one hundred, when do I start me job?”
More Toilet Jokes
Toilet Jokes – They’re up in heaven, and God’s sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first.
Al, what do you believe in?
Al replies, Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is used,the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we’ll all die. God thinks for a second and says Okay, I can live with that.
Come and sit at my left.
God then addresses Bill Clinton. Bill, what do you believe in?
Bill Clinton replies, Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people’s pain. God thinks for a second and says Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right.
God then address Bill Gates. Bill Gates, what do you believe?
Bill Gates replies, I believe you’re in my chair.
Toilet Jokes – A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his heels. After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him. “Let’s see yer fishin’ license, Boy!” the Warden gasped. With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license. “Well, son,” said the Game Warden, “you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don’t have to run from me if you have a valid license!” “Yes, sir,” replied the young guy, “but my friend back there, well, he don’t have one.”
Toilet Jokes – Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She’d hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. “Excuse me, miss,” said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. “The Hilton doesn’t mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday.” “What difference does it make?” Joan asked rather calmly. “No one can see me up here, and besides, I’m covered with a towel.” “Not exactly,” said the embarrassed man. “You’re lying on the dining room skylight.”
Toilet Jokes – There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, “Wow, these seats are big!” The person next to him answered, “Everything is big in Texas.” When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, “Wow these mugs are big!” The bartender replied, “Everything is big in Texas.” After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, “Second door to the right.” The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”
Toilet Jokes – Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young engineer who was fresh out of MIT, “What starting salary were you thinking about?” The Engineer said, “In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.” The interviewer said, “Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years – say, a red Corvette?” The Engineer sat up straight and said, “Wow! Are you kidding?” The interviewer replied, “Yeah, but you started it.”
Toilet Jokes – There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death. Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the seance, she called out, “John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?” A ghostly voice answered her, “Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you.” Martha tearfully asked, “Oh John, what is it like where you are?” “It’s beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time.” “What do you do all day?” asked Martha. “Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there’s nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m.” Martha was somewhat taken aback. “Is that what heaven really is like?” “Heaven? I’m not in heaven, Martha.” “Well, then, where are you?” “I’m a rabbit in Arizona.”
Toilet Jokes – One day a policeman stopped a motorist who had just gone through a four way stop sign and was about to give him a ticket when the motorist said. “Officer you can’t give me a ticket for that!’ “Why not” said the officer. “Because although I did not stop I slowed right down and its almost the same.” “But you did not stop” replied the officer, “and the sign says STOP.” “But the way was clear and it was safe” replied the motorist. The officer then pulls out his batton and starts hitting the motorist. “What are you doing!” yells the motorist in surprise. “Do you want me to slow down or stop” says the officer.
Toilet Jokes – A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: “Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?” The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: “Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money.” A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: “Dear Husband, You wouldn’t believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden.” The prisoner wrote another letter back: “Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce.”
Toilet Jokes – A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. “I feel terrible,” he explained. “I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it.” The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to he car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 meters, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 meters. The man was astonished. He couldn’t figure out what substance could be in the woman’s spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, ” What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?” The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: ” ‘Hare Spray’ Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave.”
Toilet Jokes – A rabbi, a priest and a pastor were all in a boat together fishing. The pastor said to the others, “I think I am going to go over to that shore and sit down.” So, he gets out of the boat, walks across the water and sits down on the shore. Then, the priest says to the rabbi, “I think I going to go over there to join him.” So, he does the same as the pastor and sits next to him on the shore. The rabbi thinks to himself, “Well, if they can do it, so can I!” So, he climbs out of the boat, but he falls in the water. The pastor says to the priest, “Do you think we should of told him where the rocks were?”
Toilet Jokes – An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, “Daddy, what is sex?” The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the “birds and the bees.” When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, “Why did you ask this question?” The little girl replied, “Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs.”
Toilet Jokes – Bob stood over his tee sot for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn’t start his backswing. Finally his exasperated partner asked, “what the hell is taking so long?” “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse,” Bob explained. “I want to make a perfect shot.” “Good lord!” his companion exlaimed. “You don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of hitting her from here.”
Toilet Jokes – On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed “Deepest Sympathy”. While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card. “Oh, it’s alright.” said the storekeeper. “I’m a businessman and I understand how these things can happen.” “But,” added the florist, “I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party.” “Well, what did it say?” ask the storekeeper. “‘Congratulations on your new location’.” was the reply.
More Funny Toilet Jokes
Funny Toilet Jokes – A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, “Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!”. The woman says, “Me too, you’ve been eating grass for the past ten minutes!”
Funny Toilet Jokes – A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, “Please be gentile, I’m still a virgin.” The husband being shocked, replied, “How’s this possible? You’ve been married three times before.” The wife responds, “Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was…oh, do I miss him!”
Funny Toilet Jokes – On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, “My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe.” The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished.”Oh, oh, aaaahhh,” he exclaims, “My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, “My picture?” He answers, “Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever”.
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, “Why do you wear a robe? We are married now.” At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, “oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture”. He beams and asks why and she answers, “So I can get it enlarged!”
Funny Toilet Jokes – John just graduated from clinical psychology and opens his first office. After some successful advertising he is astounded to have nearly 300 people wanting to be in group therapy. John decides to rent a big hall and invite the entire group. To break the ice, and to get the therapy started, John decides to ask a show of hands how often the attendees had sex. He first asks for a show of hands of all the people who had sex almost every night. A modest number of hands were raised. He then asks, how many had sex once a week? This time a larger number of hands were raised. John then asks how many had sex once or twice a month? Again a few hands were raised. After John polled his group several more times he noticed one guy sitting off to the side with this huge beaming grin on his face. John noticed that the guy never raised his hand, so he asked him how often he had sex. The guy said, “Once a year!” To John’s dismay, he responds, “Why are you so happy getting sex only once a year?” The grinning guy responds, “Tonight’s the night!”
Funny Toilet Jokes – Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren’t enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, “I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!” The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he’s had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, “That’s funny, I dreamed I was skiing!”
Funny Toilet Jokes – One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, “We’re making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off.” Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, “Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don’t know whom to fire.”
The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, “Barbara, I’ve got a problem. You see, I’ve got to lay you or Jack off and I don’t know what to do?” Barbara replied, “You’d better jack off. I’ve got a headache.”
Funny Toilet Jokes – A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him. The manager asks, “What is it without touching it?” The blind man replies, “That’s a good piece of fir.” “Correct,” says the manager, “now try this one.” “That’s a bad piece of willow,” says the blind man. “Correct,” answers the manager.With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face. “I’m confused,” says the blind man, “Can you turn it around?” The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face. The blind man says, “Oh, you’re trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It’s the shit house door off a tuna boat!”Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can’t hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
Funny Toilet Jokes – He pointed to his eye meaning “I”, pointed to his knee meaning “need”, then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, “What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!”.The other guy says, “I knew that! I was just trying to tell you – I’m coming!”
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