Tasteless Jokes – My grandfather once told me, “Your generation is too reliant on technology.”
So I replied, “No, your generation is too reliant on technology!”
Then I disconnected his life support.
Top 30 Truly Tasteless Jokes One liners
- Why did God give women three more brain cells than cows? So they don’t shit on the floor while doing the dishes.
- Why is Tylenol white? It works.
- Why do Jews have big noses? Because air is free.
- What’s a homeless woman use for a vibrator? Two flies in a bottle.
- Why was Helen Keller such a bad driver? She was a woman
- Do you wanna hear a joke? Women’s Rights.
- What do fags call their balls? “Mud flaps”
- What happens when you stick your hand in a bowl full of black jelly beans? You get your watch stolen.
- What’s long and hard on a black man? The first grade.
- Why did Raggedy Ann get kicked out of the toy box? She sat on Pinocchio’ s face and said “lie to me!”
- What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann with the Pillsbury dough boy? A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.
- How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up like an altar boy.
- What’s the best thing about a blow job? Ten minutes silence.
- Why do men have a hole in their penis? So they can get air to their brain.
- What’s a man’s idea of safe sex? A padded headboard.
- What’s the smartest thing to come out of a woman’s mouth? Einstein’s cock.
- How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it!
- I gave my blind grandmother a guide dog named “Sit.” Now it won’t take her anywhere.
- What do you call 50 Puerto Ricans in a room with 50 lesbians? A hundred people who won’t do dick!
- So, I was fu*king my daughter last night and my wife walked in. She was in shock. I don’t know what she was more surprised by – the fact that I was fucking my daughter, or the fact that the abortion clinic let me keep it.
- I farted in front of my Jewish girlfriend yesterday and she was really offended. I said, “Oh come on, a little gas never killed anyone.”
- A girl is flirting at a bar and says “Tell me it’s true what they say about black guys” He then proceeds to stab her 37 times and steal her purse.
- My son asked me the other day how I feel about abortions. I told him to go ask his sister. He said, “I don’t have a sister”. There’s your answer.
- What’s the difference between a dead baby and a hurricane?
You can’t rip the eye out of a hurricane and skull fuck it.
- I don’t know where I stand on abortion. I like killing babies, but I don’t like giving women a choice.
- What does a barn and an alter boy have in common? They’ve both probably had a cock inside them.
- When Barack Obama was giving his speech after being elected as president, he had to do it behind three inch thick bullet-proof glass. I thought that was a bit harsh – just because he’s black doesn’t mean he’s going to shoot anyone.
- An Asian man gets into a cab and yells, “Quick, make like a Chinese dad with his newborn baby daughter and step on it!”
- Child alone in his room, playing with his toys, when BAM! A time machine appears. “Johnny! I’m you from the future!” “Really? Oh boy! What do I grow up to be?!”
“A pedophile,” older Johnny says as he locks the door.
- Woman gives birth to twins. The midwife says there’s good news and bad news. Bad news is one’s ginger but the good news is it’s dead.
Tasteless Jokes – Yesterday, I failed my biology exam. The question was: Name something commonly found in cells. Apparently, ‘Black People’ wasn’t the right answer.
Tasteless Jokes – So I’m holding the door for this Japanese guy… And he looks over to me an
d says “Sank you!” Can’t believe he brought up Pearl Harbor like that…
Tasteless Jokes – A family walks into a hotel and the father goes to the front desk and says “I hope the porn is disabled.”
The guy at the desk replies. “It’s just regular porn you sick fuck.”
Tasteless Jokes – I was having sex with a woman last night but she wouldn’t stop screaming another guy’s name. Who the hell is “rape”?
Tasteless Jokes – A beautiful woman is standing on a bridge, looking over the side and thinking about jumping off.
A homeless man walks up to her.
She sees the man coming and says, “Go away! There’s nothing you can say to change my mind!”
He says, “Well, if you’re going to kill yourself anyway, why don’t we have sex? At least I’ll enjoy it.”
“Absolutely not! You’re disgusting!”, she replies. The man turns and starts walking away.
“Is that all you’re going to say? You’re not going to try to convince me that life is worth living? Where are you going?”
“I have to make it down to the bottom. If I hurry, you’ll still be warm!”, he says.
Tasteless Jokes – A man sees a 6 year old boy looking down a cliff.
“What happened?” asks the man
Crying, the boy replies “The car skid and my parents fell down the cliff”.
“Well, this is just not your day, huh?”, says the man as he unbuttons his pants.
Tasteless Jokes – So I’m banging the fuck out of this slutty chick, right?
And I’m thinking to myself, “She’s PROBABLY got AIDS.” So I go and get myself tested and, lo-and-behold, I’m positive.
This gets me thinking, “Where the fuck does an eight year old get AIDS?!”
“Who has my sister been hanging out with?!”
Tasteless Jokes – A doctor says with a sad face to a mother who just gave birth, “I’ve got good news and bad news…”.
Mother: “Whats the bad news?”
Doc “Your baby is Black”
Mother “Whats the good?”
Doc “You miscarried”
Tasteless Jokes – A Chinese man and woman get married. On their wedding night, the man decides to try to impress his wife with his sexual sophistication. He insists that he will do whatever she wants. At first she is demure, but eventually she relents and says: “I’ve heard some friends talk about 69”. The husband is incredulous: “You want sesame chicken at a time like this?”.
Tasteless Jokes – Gary and Steve are having sex and the phone rings. Steve goes to answer the phone and tells Gary, “Hey, Don’t finish yourself until I get back.” After returning from the other room, there is cum all over the bed and wall of the bedroom. “Jesus, Gary, I said not to finish yourself until I got back!” Gary turns to him and says, “I didn’t, I farted.”
Tasteless Jokes – Mike gets a call at work he had been waiting for. The baby is coming and your wife is already at the hospital! He hightails it from work gets there as fast as he can, and paces in the waiting room. A few minutes pass and a doctor comes out and asks “Are you Mr. Smith?”
“Yes yes whats the news?”
“You need to see this, its unbelievable, YOUR CHILD CAN FLY!
Mike follows him into the nursery thinking, “Is this guy retarded?”
The doctor walks right up to the newborn in the crib and picks him up slightly and then lets go. The baby lands softly on his back.
“Hmm weird he just did it a second ago”. So the doctor picks the baby up out of the crib and lets go. The baby hits the ground with a sickening thud.
By now Mike is furious.
“NO I’M SERIOUS HE JUST DID IT A SECOND AGO, SEE LOOK!”.
The doctor opens up the window on the fifth floor nursery and slings the baby out the window. The baby boomerangs right into a parked car, shattering the windshield, the baby’s blood and innards spray everywhere.
Just as Mike reaches his arm back to punch the ever-living FUCK out of the doctor, the doc says, “Nah man I’m just messin with ya. It was a stillborn”.
Tasteless Jokes – A guy tells his wife that he’s going fishing. His wife starts to complain because she says he never takes her anywhere, so he tells her, “Fine, you can come fishing with me and the dog tomorrow!” The next morning, the husband wakes up and wakes his wife. Now she’s seen that her manipulation has worked a little too well and says, “I don’t want to go fishing.” The husband is upset. “You bitched and whined about wanting to go somewhere with me and now you don’t want to go? Fine, you don’t have to go… but you’re either going to suck my d*ck or you’re going to let me fu*k you in the ass.” The wife says, “Let me think about it for a minute.” The husband agrees and he leaves her to get things ready for his trip. He comes back, she says, “I don’t want to go fishing and I’m not about to let you fuck me in the ass, so I guess I’ll just suck your dick.” He whips it out and she starts sucking, but then stops. “Jesus Christ! Your d*ck tastes like shit!” The husband says, “Yeah, the dog didn’t want to go fishing either.”
Tasteless Jokes – A doctor that has just delivered a woman’s baby comes over to the couple and says, “I have some good news and some bad news about your baby. What would you like first?”
Worried, the couple responds, “Give us the bad news first and get it out of the way I guess…”
“Well, unfortunately your baby has red hair…”
“Oh is that all? That’s no so bad. What’s the good news doc?”
“Your baby’s dead.”
Tasteless Jokes – Little Johnny wakes up one night hearing strange noises from his parent’s bedroom. He opens the door to his parents room and sees mom, handcuffed to the bed’s headboard, dad ramming her from behind. Johnny screams. Dad turns to looks at him, laughs and gives mom a slap on the bum for good measure. Johnny runs away, screaming.
Once dad has finished mom off, he uncuffs her. She immediately says, ‘You better go tell Johnny everything is OK, the shit he just saw could scar him for life”.
Dad rolls his eyes and begrudgingly agrees. Pulls on his robe and heads for Johnny’s room only to find it’s empty. He then heads for the TV room but when he passes the guest room, he notices the door is ajar, noises coming from inside. He opens the door to look in and sees Granny on her hands and knees, little Johnny fucking her from behind.
Johnny turns around looks at him and says “Yeah, not so funny when it’s your mom huh?”
Tasteless Jokes – A man and a woman are sitting at the bar one night, drinking their problems away. After a time, the man decides to ask the woman, “What’s the matter, you seem really down?” The woman responds, “Well, it’s just that my husband left me.” The man looked surprised as the woman was quite attractive and asked “Why would he leave you?” The woman replied, “He said I was too kinky in the bedroom.” Immediately the man’s eyes lit up in shock at her answer. “My wife actually just left me for the same reason,” he told her, and it was the truth. The two of them get to talking and eventually she invites the man to her home. They enter her bedroom, and the woman instructs the man to take a seat on the bed, that she is going to ‘get ready’ in the other room. The woman proceeds to attire herself in a leather corset, complete with whip, chains, and ballgag. She heads to the pantry and grabs a bottle of whipped cream and some Tabasco sauce. The woman then reenters the bedroom to see the man putting on his coat about to walk out the door. The woman exclaims, “What’s the matter? I thought you were kinky!” to which the man replied, “Lady, I just fucked your dog and shit in your purse, I’m done here.”
Tasteless Jokes – After getting all of Pope Benedict’s luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn’t travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.
‘Excuse me, Your Holiness,’ says the driver, ‘Would you please take your seat so we can leave?’
‘Well, to tell you the truth,’ says the Pope, ‘they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I’d really like to drive today.’
‘I’m sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I’d lose my job! What if something should happen?’ protests the driver, wishing he’d never gone to work that morning.
‘Who’s going to tell?’ says the Pope with a smile.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms. (Remember, the Pope is German.)
‘Please slow down, Your Holiness!’ pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
‘Oh, dear God, I’m going to lose my license — and my job!’ moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
‘I need to talk to the Chief,’ he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he’s stopped a limo going 205 kph.
‘So bust him,’ says the Chief.
‘I don’t think we want to do that, he’s really important,’ said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed,’ All the more reason!’ ‘No, I mean really important,’ said the cop with a bit of persistence.
The Chief then asked, ‘Who do you have there, the mayor?’
Chief: ‘A senator?’
Chief: ‘The Prime Minister?’
‘Well,’ said the Chief, ‘who is it?’
Cop: ‘I think it’s God!’
The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, ‘What makes you think it’s God?’
Cop: ‘His chauffeur is the Pope!’
Tasteless Jokes – A Rabbi, an Imam and a Priest are on a boat, sinking fast in the ocean. The Imam says, “Praise be to Allah, we must save the children!” The Rabbi says, “Screw the children!” The priest says, “Do we have time?”
Tasteless Jokes – I ran into Hitler. I was surprised to see him and asked him what he was up to? He said “This time I am going to kill 6 million Jews and two clowns!” “Two Clowns? Why are you going to kill two clowns?” “See? Nobody cares about zee Jews.”
Tasteless Jokes – A white woman and a black man are dancing at a club, and after a while things start to get hot and heavy. After some heavy kissing and petting, the woman makes the suggestion that they return to her apartment for the night.
When the couple arrives at the woman’s apartment, they begin passionately kissing and undressing each other, preparing to have frenzied and unrepentant sex with each other.
However, the white woman, curious as she was, asked the black guy as he was taking off his pants, “before you take them off….is it true what they say about black guys?”
With a suave yet sinister look, he looked into her eyes and said “baby, of course.” He then proceeded to stab her and ran out with her purse.
Tasteless Jokes – Three pregnant women are knitting sweaters for their babies at the OB/GYN waiting room. The first one takes a pill out of her purse and says, “I want my baby to have a strong nervous system, so I’m taking a folate pill.” The second one takes a pill out of her purse and says, “I want my baby to have healthy blood, so I’m taking an iron pill.” The third one takes a pill out of her purse and says, “This is thalidomide.” The other two women look in horror. “WHY?!” The third one calmly replies, “I just fucked up the sleeves on this sweater.”
Tasteless Jokes – Three pregnant women are sitting in a doctors waiting room knitting. Mom 1 checks her watch and takes a pill “Vitamin C, good for mom, good for baby.” Mom 2 takes a pill and says, “Vitamin A, good for mom, good for baby.” Mom 3 takes a pill and says, “Thalidomide…I can’t knit sleeves.”
Tasteless Jokes – A man walks past girl with no arms or legs sitting by a pool. The girl says to the man, “Excuse me sir, I’ve never been fucked and in my condition no one would want to fuck me. Will you please fuck me?” So the man kicks her into the pool and says, “There, you’re fucked.”
Tasteless Jokes – Little Johnny is staying at his grandmother’s house for the weekend with his parents. He walks into their room in the middle of the night and wakes his mother. His mother says “What is it Johnny?”. Little Johnny says “Grandma has a shrimpy”! His mother looks at him puzzled. “She has a WHAT?” Johnny says “A Shrimpy!” His mother has no idea what little Johnny is talking about. His mother says “Come show me what you’re talking about”. Little Johnny leads his mother downstairs where his 85 year old grandmother is lying sprawled out on the sofa in her night-gown. Her gown is wide open and so are her legs. She is sound asleep. Johnny says to his mother “Look mommy, Grandma has a shrimpy”. He points to her vaginHis mother laughs. “No, no, Johnny, that’s not a shrimpy. That’s her vagina”. Little Johnny looks up at his mother and says “Wow! Sure does taste like shrimpy”.
More Truly Tasteless Jokes
Truly Tasteless Jokes – My girlfriend is into some really strange role-play when we have sex. She always insists on pretending to be 12 years old. I don’t get why, she’ll be 12 in a couple of years anyway.
Truly Tasteless Jokes – A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”
The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”
Truly Tasteless Jokes – Mother, “How was school today, Patrick?”
Patrick, “It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!”
Mother, “Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?”
Patrick, “What school?”
Truly Tasteless Jokes – Do you know why women aren’t allowed in space?
To avoid scenarios like: “Houston, we have a problem!”
“What is the problem?”
“Yeah, great, pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about!
Truly Tasteless Jokes – We have a strange custom in our office. The food has names there. Yesterday for example I got me a sandwich out of the fridge and its name was “Michael”.
Truly Tasteless Jokes – A wife complains to her husband: “Just look at that couple down the road how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can’t you do the same?”
“Are you mad? I barely know the woman!”
Truly Tasteless Jokes – Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in contemplation. His opponent comments: “That must be the most touching thing I’ve ever seen. You are a very feeling man.” The man, recovering himself, replies, “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
Truly Tasteless Jokes – Doctor: “You look so healthy I believe that you can reach 80 years. ”
“But doctor, I am already 80”
“You see – I told you to quit smoking”
Truly Tasteless Jokes – Wife arrives home late at night from a business trip and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. But she notices four legs instead of two peeking from under the blanket! Seized by a fit of rage, she reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket until the screaming stops. Still in shock, she lurches to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
-Oh welcome home darling, he says, my parents came for a visit, so I let them have our bedroom. I hope you said hello.
Truly Tasteless Jokes – Bishop to the Pope:
Congratulations on your name’s day Your Holiness!
Pope: But today we do not commemorate the name of Benedict?
Bishop: It is the 16th, though.
Truly Tasteless Jokes – I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent.
So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?”
One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales dumbo!”
So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?”
That’s about as far as I remember.
Truly Tasteless Jokes – A teenage boy to his father:
“Father I am not a virgin anymore”
Father: “Wow that’s great. Come let’s sit down and drink something to celebrate this moment”
Son: “Ok, I can drink with you but I really can not sit down for a while”
Truly Tasteless Jokes – At a swimming pool:
Three guys climb a high-dive tower and meet a good fairy who offers to fulfill a wish for each of them. One jumps and says, “Beer!” – and the pool is full of beer. The other one jumps, says, “Money!” and the pool is full of money. The last one starts to jump but slips and, falling, yells, “SHIIIIIIT!!!”
Truly Tasteless Jokes – Joke for mothers:
When your first child eats some earth, bit of grass or a worm, you take it to a doctor. When your second child eats some earth, a bit of grass or a worm, you spit on a hankie and clean it. When your third child eats some earth, a bit of grass or a worm, you wonder whether it still needs lunch.
Truly Tasteless Jokes – Two men are discussing their lives. One says, “I’m getting married. I’m sick of a messy apartment, dirty dishes, and no clothes to wear.” The other one says, “Hey, I’m getting divorced for the same reasons.”
Truly Tasteless Jokes – Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S. One of them mentions he’s heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they’re going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two ‘dogs.’ The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.
“Which part did you get?”
Truly Tasteless Jokes – An elderly man was on the operating table awaiting surgery to be performed by his son, a renowned surgeon. Just before they would put him under, he asked to speak to his son: “Don’t be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife.”
Truly Tasteless Jokes – Most of the time, when you cry, nobody notices the tears you shed. Most of the time, when you’re facing trouble, nobody feels your pain. But try farting in public just one time!
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