Retirement Jokes – An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.”
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
“Well, doc, it’s like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.”
The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbor?”
The old man replied, “Yep, none of us could get the jar open.”
Top 15 Funny Retirement Jokes
- Q: What is the “initial” state of retirement?
A: SS, CD’s, IRA’s, AARP.
- Q: How do you know your old?
A: People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
- Q: Why do nursing homes give Viagra to the old men every night?
A: It keeps them from rolling out of bed!
- Q: Why did the prostitute retire?
A: She screwed up!
- Q: Why did the astronaut retire?
A: He got spaced out!
- Q: When is a retiree’s bedtime?
A: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
- Q: Why don’t retirees mind being called Seniors?
A: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.
- Q: Why do retirees count pennies?
A: They are the only ones who have the time.
- Q: What do retirees call a long lunch?
- Q: What do you call a show in which a 63 year old man preys on a pretty 19 year old girl?
A: The Bald and the Beautiful.
- Q: Why did the homophobic politician retire?
A: He got a mandate!
- Q: Why did the asshole retire?
A: He was tired of being the butt of all the jokes!
- Q: Why did the butcher retire?
A: He was cut off in his prime!
- Q: Why did the robber retire?
A: He just couldn’t take it anymore!
- Q: How do you know your old enough to retire?
A: Instead of lying about your age you start bragging about it!
Favourite Retirement Joke
A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled up newspaper round his head.
Wife: ‘What are you doing dear?’
Husband: ‘Swatting flies – I got 3 males and 2 females’
Wife: ‘How on earth do you know which gender they were?’
Husband: ‘Easy – 3 were on the beer, and the other 2 were on the phone’
Retirement Jokes – One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems okay but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again, she seems okay but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. “So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?” they ask. “It’s pretty nice,” she replies. “Except they won’t let you fart.”
Retirement Jokes – An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. “How do you feel about s*x?” he asked, rather tentatively. “I would like it infrequently “, she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, “Is that one word or two?”
Retirement Jokes – An old man lived alone in Tasmania. He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Jase, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I wont be able to plant my potato garden this year; Im just getting to old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love Dad.
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
For heavens sake, dont dig up that garden, thats where I buried the BODIES. Love Jase.
At 4A.M. the next morning, the Federal Police and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologised to the old man and left. The same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. Its the best I could do under the circumstances. Love Jase.
Retirement Jokes – Brand New Hearing Aid
An elderly gentleman who had had serious hearing problems for a number of years went to the doctor to be fitted for a hearing aid that would return his hearing to 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back for further tests a month later and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”
To which the gentleman replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”
Retirement Jokes – An elderly husband and wife visit their doctor when they begin forgetting little things. Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes. When they get home, the wife says, “Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won’t forget?”
“Nonsense,” says the husband, “I can remember a dish of ice cream.”
“Well,” says the wife, “I’d also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it.”
“My memory’s not all that bad,” says the husband. “No problem — a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don’t need to write it down.”
He goes into the kitchen; his wife hears pots and pans banging around. The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs.
She looks at the plate and asks, “Hey, where’s the toast I asked for?”
Retirement Jokes – Who’s The Boss
A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town.
To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.
He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. “Who’s the boss around here?” he asked.
“I am.” said the man.
“I have a black horse and a brown horse,” the farmer said, “which one would you like?”
The man thought for a minute and said, “The black one.”
“No, no, no, get the brown one.” the man’s wife said.
“Here’s your chicken.” said the farmer.
Retirement Jokes – Final Request
An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales.
“Bloomingdales!” the rabbi exclaimed. “Why Bloomingdales?”
“Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.”
Retirement Jokes – Army Retirement Bonus
The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus.
They promised any general who retired right away, his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general’s body between any two points he chose.
The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. 6 feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000.
The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. 8 feet. He walked away with a check $960,000.
Meantime, the first general had tipped off the third as to the additional bonus check.
When the third general was asked where to measure, he told the pension man, “from the tip of my penis, to the bottom of my testicles.”
The pension man said that would be fine, but he’d better get the Medical Officer to do the measuring.
The Medical Officer attended and asked the general to drop his pants. He did… The Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip of the general’s penis and began to work back.
“My God!” he said, “where are your testicles?!”
The general replied, “Back in Nam!”
Retirement Jokes – Sex Ed
A young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it. His grandfather told him that when you first get married, you want it all the time, and maybe do it several times a day. His grandfather continued to tell the young fellow that later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year – maybe on your anniversary. The young fellow then asked his grandfather, “Well how about you and Grandma now?” His grandfather replied, “Oh, we just have oral sex now.” “What’s oral sex?” The young fellow asked. “Well,” Grandpa said, “She goes to bed into her bedroom, and I go to into my bedroom. And she yells, ‘F— You!” And I holler back, “F— You too’.”
Funny Funny Retirement Jokes – Two Smokers
Two Edith and Marie were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain. Edith pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking.
Marie: What’s that?
Edith: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.
Marie: Where did you get it?
Edith: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Marie hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.
Marie: It doesn’t matter as long as it fits a Camel.
The pharmacist fainted.
Funny Retirement Jokes – George
70-year-old George went for his annual check-up. He told the doctor that he felt fine, but often had to go to the bathroom during the night. Then he said: “But you know Doc, I’m blessed. God knows my eyesight is going, so he puts on the light when I pee, and turns it off when I’m done!” A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called George’s wife and said: “Your husband’s test results were fine, but he said something strange that has been bugging me. He claims that God turns the light on and off for him when uses the bathroom at night.” Thelma exclaimed: “That old fool! He’s been peeing in the refrigerator again!”
Funny Retirement Jokes – Retired Couple
A retired husband and wife in their 60s were dining at an expensive restaurant when a stunningly beautiful young woman in her late 20s came over, gave the husband a big kiss, and told him that she would meet with him later.
His wife glared at him and demanded to know, “Who is that?”
“Your mistress!” snapped the wife. “I want a divorce and I want it now!”
“No problem,” said the husband. “Just keep in mind that I have arranged that everything that I own is protected in an international corporate trust. You can sue me in divorce court but you will get very little — if anything at all.”
“What this means,” continued the husband, “is that there will be no more shopping trips to Paris for you, no more wintering in the Carribean and South America, no Mercedes for you to drive, and no more country club where the rich and sophisticated hang out. The decision is up to you.”
Just then the wife noticed one of the couple’s neighbors from the ritzy area where they lived. “Who’s that young woman with Bill Richards?” asked the wife.
“That’s Bill’s mistress,” answered the husband.
“Ours is much prettier,” declared the wife proudly.
More Funny Retirement Jokes
- Active socially: Drinks heavily.
- Character above reproach: Still one step ahead of the law.
- Excels in the effective application of skills: Makes a good cup of coffee.
- Internationally known: Likes to go to conferences and trade shows in Las Vegas.
- Is well informed: Knows all office gossip and where all the skeletons are kept.
- Tactful in dealing with superiors: Knows when to keep mouth shut.
- Willing to take calculated risks: Doesn’t mind spending someone else’s money.
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