Polish Jokes – Polish Vodka
A man walks into a bar and orders a glass of Polish vodka. As the bartender slides the drink to the patron, a man sitting next to him remarks, “That’s a coincidence, I, too, am enjoying a Polish vodka. Since I arrived from the old country, this is the only bar in which I have found it.” To which the first replies, “Old country, I’m from the old country. Let me buy you another!” As the drinks are being poured, one of the men asks, “What part of the old country are you from?” “Krakow,” replies the other. “This is weird,” says the first, “I, too, am from Krakow! Let’s get another shot.” After the new round arrives, the first asks, “So, pal, what did you do back in Krakow?’ “Not much, really, I came here right out of high school. I graduated from Lech Walesa Technical Academy in ’81.” “This is eerie,” replies the other, “I’m Welesa Tech, ’81. Let’s get another shot.” But the bartender says, “Slow down fellas, I gotta make a call.” The bartender calls his wife and tells her that he’ll be late getting home. When she inquires as to the cause, he replies, “Oh, the friggin’ Gradowski twins are here again.”
Polish Jokes – Firing Squad
Three prisoners, an American, a German, and a Polak, are scheduled to be executed by firing squad. They bring out the American and stand him in front of the pole. He points and shouts, “Tornado!” They all look and the American runs away. Next, they place the German in front of the firing squad. He yells “Earthquake!” They all hit the dust and the German escapes. Next up is the Polak. He looks around and shouts “Fire!”
Polish Jokes – Phone Call
Three men want make phone call from Hell to remind to their relatives about its harsh conditions Their Nationalities were American, Italian and Polish. So they decide to go to Devil who is the boss. So the American made a call and the Devil made him to pay 100 USD, then an Italian made a call and the Devil made him to pay 10 Euros on fact that Itlaian is less developed than that of USA. LASTLY the Polish man made a call and the Devil made him to pay a cent Both the American and Italian complain as it is not fair and the devil responded to them “The Polish call was a local call whereas your was an International call”
Polish Jokes – Jesus
Three men were all applying for the same job as a detective. One was Polish, one was Jewish, and one was Italian. Rather than ask the standard questions during the interview, the chief decided to ask each applicant just one question and base his decision upon that answer. When the Jewish man arrived for his interview, the chief asked, “Who killed Jesus Christ?” The Jewish man answered without hesitation “The Romans killed him.” The chief thanked him and he left. When the Italian man arrived for his interview, the chief asked the same question. He replied “Jesus was killed by the Jews.” Again, the chief thanked the man who then left. When the Polish man arrived for his interview, he was asked the exact same question. He thought for a long time, before saying, “Could I have some time to think about it?” The chief said, “OK, but get back to me tommorrow.” When the Polish man arrived home, his wife asked “How did the interview go?” He replied, “Great, I got the job, and I’m already investigating a murder!”
Polish Jokes – Robotic Bartender
A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed. A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, “What’s your IQ?” The man replied, “130.” So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, and so on. The man listened intently and thought, “This is really cool.” Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, “What’s your IQ?” The man responded, “120.” So the robot started talking about the superbowl, dirt bikes, and so on. The man thought to himself, “Wow, this is really cool.” A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, “What’s your IQ?” The man replied, “80.” The robot then said, “So, how are things in Poland these days?”
Polish Jokes – Turn Signal
An English guy is driving with a Polish guy as his passenger, when he decides to pull over because he suspect that his turn signal may not be working. He asks the Polish guy if he doesn’t mind stepping out of the car to check the lights while he tests them. The Polish guy steps out and stands in front of the car. The English guy turns on the turn signal and asks, “Is it working?” To which the Polish guy responds, “Yes, it’s working….No, it’s not working….Yes, it’s working….No, it’s not working….”
Polish Jokes – Accident in Warsaw
Did you hear about the terrible automobile accident in Warsaw last night? A polish family on vacation lost all of their children. The pickup truck they were riding in ran off the road into a lake and sank to the bottom. The parents got out of the cab OK but all the kids in the back drowned…they couldn’t get the tailgate open.
Polish Jokes – Three Men
Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a Polak, and they get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe says to the German, “What do you want on your back for your whipping?” The German responds, “I will take oil!” So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him 10 times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move. The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Polak, “What do you want on your back?” “I will take nothing!” says the Polak, and he stands there straight and takes his 10 lashings without a single flinch. “What will you take on your back?” the Amazons ask the American. He responds, “I’ll take the Polak!”
Polish Jokes – Dirty Tampons
A Polak, an American, and a German had a room full of dirty tampons, and they decided to have a contest to see who could stay in there the longest. First it was the American’s turn. The other two locked him in the room and waited. A week later, they heard him whimpering and pounding on the door so they let him out. “That is the sickest smell I have ever endured!” cried the American. “I couldn’t stay in there another minute!” Next it was the German’s turn. After a month he finally banged on the door to be let out. “Oh God, that is the most putrid smell in the world! I couldn’t take it another minute!” he cried as he gasped for breath. Finally it was the Polak’s turn. They locked him in the room and waited. A week went by, a month, a year. The German and American heard nothing. Finally they began to worry, so they yelled through the door, “You can come out now! You’ve won the contest by far!” To which the Polak yelled back, “No, not yet! I’m not done eating the jelly donuts.”
Polish Jokes – Three travelers, one from India, one a Jew and the third a Polak are having trouble finding a room for the night.
After much searching, they finally find an Inn with only two beds left. The innkeeper offers to let the third one of them sleep in the barn.
They draw straws for the two beds, and the Indian is sent off to the barn for the night.
But within five minutes of the Jew and the Polak turning off the lights and going to bed, there is a KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK on the door. They open the door and there is the Indian.
“I cannot sleep in the barn,” says the Indian, “I am Hindu and there is a cow in the barn. Cows are sacred to us so I cannot sleep under the same roof as one.”
The Jew volunteers to go to sleep in the barn.
But within five minutes of the Polak and the Indian turning off the lights and going to bed, there is a KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK on the door. They open the door and there is the Jew.
“I can’t sleep in the barn either,” says the Jew, “there’s a pig in the barn, and if I sleep in hay that a pig has touched, I may get some in my mouth and that wouldn’t be kosher.”
So the Polak ventures out to go to sleep in the barn.
But within five minutes of the Indian and the Jew turning off the lights and going to bed, there is a KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK on the door. They open the door and there is the cow and the pig.
Polish Jokes – A Polish man was walking down the street, carrying a brown
paper bag. He ran into one of his friends, who asked, “Hey! What do you have in the bag?” The man tells his friend that he has some fish in the bag. His friend says, “Well, I’ll make you a bet. If I can guess how many fish you have in the bag, you’ll have to give me one.” The man says, “I’ll tell you what. If you tell me how many fish I have in this bag, I’ll give you both of them.”
Polish Jokes – This Polak came home one day from work, hung up his coat, took off his hat and walked into his bedroom shouting “honey I am home!” What should he see but his best friend in bed with his wife. Infuriated, he rushed to the cupboard, pulled out his gun and put it to his head. His wife started laughing. “Don’t laugh!” he screams. “You’re next!”
Polish Jokes – A Polak went to a carpenter and said, “Can you build me a box
that is two inches high, two inches wide, and fifty feet long?”
“Hmm…” mused the carpenter. “It could be done, I suppose,
but what would you want a box like that for?” “Well, you see,” said the Polak, “My neighbor moved away and forgot some things, so he asked me to send him his garden hose.”
Polish Jokes – A traveling salesman has an audience with the Pope and, not
quite knowing what to say tries to break the ice with a joke…
“Have you heard the one about the two Polish priests, Holy Father?” “But I _am_ Polish, my son.” There followed a pregnant pause while the salesman thought quickly …
“That’s OK, Holy Father, I’ll tell you it slowly.”
Polish Jokes – A guy walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer. He says to the bartender, “Hey, want to hear a good Polack joke?”
The bartender says, “Tell you what…. I’m Polish. See those two big guys playing pool? They’re Polish. See those other two guys sitting at the end of the bar? They’re Polish. You still want to tell your “Polack” joke?”
The man replies, “Not if I’m gonna have to explain it five fucking times.”
Polish Jokes – Poland sent its top team of scientists to attend the
international science convention, where all the countries of the world gathered to compare their scientific achievements and plans. The scientists listened to the United States describe how they were another step closer to a cure for cancer, and the Russians were preparing a space ship to go to Saturn, and Germany was inventing a car that runs on water. Soon, it was the Polish scientists’ turn to speak. “Well, we are preparing a space ship to fly to the sun.” This, of course was met with much ridicule. They were asked how they planned to deal with the sun’s extreme heat. “Simple, we’re going at night!”
Funny Polish Jokes
Q: Why wasn’t Christ born in Poland?
A: Because they couldn’t find three wisemen and a virgin.
Q: How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast?
A: They marched in backwards and the Polish thought they were leaving.
Q: How do you tell which is the Groom at a Polish wedding?
A: He’s the one with the CLEAN bowling shirt.
Q: How do you stop a Polish army on horseback?
A: Turn off the carousel.
Q: What does a polish girl do after she sucks cock?
A: Spits out the feathers.
Q: How do you know if your in front of a Polish firing squad?
A: They are standing in a circle.
Q: What do you do if a Polak throws a pin at you?
A: Run like hell – he’s still got a hand-grenade between his teeth.
Q: How do you know if a Polak has been using a computer?
A: There’s whiteout on the screen.
Q: How do you take census in a Polish village?
A: Roll a quarter down the street, count the legs, divide by two, and subtract one for the Jew who catches it.
Q: Who wears a forest ranger’s hat and carries a can of kerosene?
A: Stanislaus the Fire Prevention Bear of the Polish National Forest Service.
Q: How did the Polish mother teach her son which way to put his underwear on?
A: Yellow in the front, Brown in the back!
Q: How do you know you’re flying over Poland?
A: Toilet paper hanging on the clotheslines.
Q: Why do Polish names end in “ski” ?
A: Because they can’t spell tobbagan.
Q: Did you hear about the Polak who married an Amish woman?
A: He drove her buggy.
Q: Did you see the polish submarine with a screen door?
A: Dont laugh, it keeps the fish out.
More Polish Jokes
The first Polish spacecraft was put into orbit with two astronauts. One of them took a space walk to repair something on the exterior of the spacecraft. When he was done he knocked on the airlock’s inner door. And the other Polack asked, “Who’s there?”
A Polish man was walking down the street carrying a brown paper bag. He ran into one of his buddies, who asked, “Hey! What’s in the bag?” The man tells his friend that he has some fish in the bag. His friend says, “Well, I’ll make you a bet. If I can guess how many fish you have in the bag, you’ll have to give me one.” The Polish man says, “I’ll tell you what. If you tell me how many fish I have in this bag, I’ll give you both of them.”
Why couldn’t the Polack change a light bulb?
All he had was a twenty-dollar bill.
The first prize in a certain contest was a week in Poland. The second prize was two weeks in Poland.
Did you hear about the Polish man that locked his keys in his car?
He had to use a coat hanger to get his family out.
Two polacks were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn’t. The one with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch his breath, and his friend said anxiously, “Hurry up! It’s starting to rain and the top is down.”
A Polish man went to a carpenter and asked, “Can you build me a box that is two inches high, two inches wide, and fifty feet long?” “Hmm…” mused the carpenter. “It could be done, I suppose, but what would you want a box like that for?” “Well, you see,” said the Pole, “my neighbor moved away and forgot some things, so he asked me to send him his garden hose.”
Did you hear about the terrible automobile accident last night? A Polish family on vacation lost all of their children. The pickup truck they were riding in ran off the road into a lake and sank to the bottom. The parents got out of the cab OK but all the kids in the back drowned; they couldn’t get the tailgate open.
Did you hear about the Polish Helicopter crash?
The pilot got cold, so he turned off the fan.
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