Office Jokes – How to Get a Day off From Work.
Woman: I can make the boss give me the day off.
Man: And how would you do that?
Woman: “Just wait and see.” She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
Boss comes in: What are you doing?
Woman: I’m a light bulb
Boss: You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.
The man starts to follow her and the boss says: Where are you going?
The man says: I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.
Top 21 Office jokes – Funniest Greatest Proverb
- A day without sunshine is like night.
- On the other hand, you have different fingers.
- 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
- 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
- Remember, half the people you know are below average.
- He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
- Support bacteria. They’re the only culture most people have.
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
- If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
- How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
- OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
- When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
- Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
- How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
- Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
- What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
- Why do psychics have to ask you your name?
- Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, “What the heck happened?”22. Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Office Jokes – Funny Jokes on Mistakes
If a barber makes a mistake, It’s a New Style
If a driver makes a mistake, It is a New path
If an engineer makes a mistake, It is a New Venture
If parents makes a mistake, It is a New Generation
If a politician makes a mistake, It is a New Law
If a scientist makes a mistake, It is a New Invention
If a tailor makes a mistake, It is a New Fashion
If a teacher makes a mistake, It is a New Theory
If our boss makes a mistake, It is a New idea
If an employee makes a mistake, It is a Mistake Only
Office Jokes – Waking Up is Hard to Do
I feel like I would enjoy getting out of bed more if I had to do it only three times a week. This every-day thing is overkill.
Office Jokes – What’s Your Definition of “Woman”?
Request from a client: “For the ad, use a stock photo of a woman or a person.”
Office Jokes – Wrong Store, Buddy
Scene: Inside a Best Buy store.
Customer: Can you help me? I’m looking for a shredder.
Coworker: We have all types of shredders. What will you be shredding primarily?
Customer: Collard greens.
Office Jokes – Secret of success
A very successful partner in a big firm had a peculiar habit. He would go to his desk everyday, open a locked drawer, look inside, lock the drawer again, and start his work. This continued for many days.
His subordinates knew that he hid the secret of his success in the drawer, they waited for the opportunity.
Then, one day when the partner had gone out of the city, the juniors decided to make a break.
They broke into the drawer, breathlessly, and looked inside. There was one small piece of paper inside – it said – “Left is debit and right is credit.”
Office Jokes – Boss wants too much
For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late.
Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson’s arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.
Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, “I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself.”
And the boss said, “And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?”
More Funny Office Jokes
Funny Office Jokes – A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.
Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.
Calling out to the patient, the man says, “Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?”
The patient calls back, “One moment!” and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter’s level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.
With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.
Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, “It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is.”
The man can’t help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.
Before he leaves, he says to the patient, “That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?”
The patient holds up his wrist and says, “I suppose I’d just look at my watch.”
Funny Office Jokes – A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.
Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, “Can I help you?”
The man said, “Yeah, I’ve come to activate your phone lines.”
Funny Office Jokes – 1. They travel faster in all gears, especially reverse.
2. They accelerate at a phenomenal rate.
3. They enjoy a much shorter braking distance.
4. They can take bumps at twice the speed on private cars.
5. Oil, battery, tire pressures and fluid levels do not need to be checked nearly so often.
6. They have a much tighter turning radius.
7. The floor is shaped like an ashtray.
8. They only burn the cheapest gas available.
9. They do not have to be garaged at night.
10. They can be driven up to 100 miles with the oil warning light on.
11. They need cleaning less often, especially inside.
12. The suspension and trunk floor are reinforced to allow concrete slabs and other heavy building materials to be carried.
13. They are adapted to allow reverse to be engaged while the car is still in forward motion.
14. The tire side walls are designed for bumping into and over curbs.
15. Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily eliminated by the adjustment of the radio volume control.
16. No security is need. They may be left anywhere, unlocked, with the keys in the ignition.
Funny Office Jokes – DUE TO THE CURRENT FINANCIAL STATUS OF THE COMPANY. ALL EMPLOYEES ARE ENCOURAGED TO ADOPT THE FOLLOWING COST CUTTING MEASURE
All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives and friends while on business travel. If weather permits, public areas such as parks should be used as temporary lodging sites. Bus terminals, train stations, and office lobbies may provide shelter in periods of inclement weather.
Hitchhiking is the preferred mode of travel in lieu of commercial transport. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on busines trips. Bus transportation will be used only when work schedules require such travel. Airline tickets will be authorized in extreme circumstances and the lowest fares will be used. For example, if a meeting is scheduled in Seattle, but the lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle.
Expenditures for meals will be limited to an absolute minimum. It should be noted that certain grocery and specialty chains, such as Hickory Farms, General Nutrition centers, and, Costco, Sams stores etc. often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals can be obtained in this manner. Travelers should also be familiar with indigenous roots, berries, and other protein sources available at their destinations. If restaurants must be utilized, travelers should use “all you can eat” salad bars. This is especially effective for employees traveling together as one plate can be used to feed the entire group. Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food on business travel. Cans of tuna fish, Spam, and Beefaroni can be consumed at your leisure without the necessary bother of heating or costly preparation.
All employees are encouraged to devise innovative techniques in effort to save company dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested that money could be raised during airport layover periods which could be used to defray travel expenses. In support of this idea, red caps will be issued to all employees prior to their departure so that they may earn tips by helping others with their luggage.
Small plastic roses and ball point pens will also be available to employees so that sales may be made as time permits.
Funny Office Jokes – Once a peon of an office trying to speak in English to a guest. Then the guest appreciate him and told “From where you have learned to talk English?”
The peon replied “I have learned, ‘You understand?’ from our MD, ‘I love you’ from the TV and ‘Good Morning’ from our receptionist madam.
Funny Office Jokes – Talking Dog
A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in
the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman
stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing
tricks on him.
The dog looked up and said, “Don’t be surprised. This is just part
of my job.”
“Incredible!” exclaimed the man. “I can’t believe it! Does your boss
know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!”
“Please don’t!” said the dog. “If he finds out I can talk, he’ll make me
answer the phone, too!”
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