Long Jokes – Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.
Congress said, “Someone may steal from it at night.” So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.
Then Congress said, “How does the watchman do his job without instruction?” So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.
Then Congress said, “How will we know the night watchman is doing his tasks correctly?” So they created the Quality Control Department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.
Then Congress said, “How are these people going to get paid?” So they created a time keeper and a payroll officer position. Then hired two people.
Then Congress said, “Who will be accountable for all of these people?” So they created an administrative section and hired three people: An Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.
Then Congress said, “We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost.” So they laid off the night watchman.
Top 13 Funny Long Jokes
- Long Jokes – A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. She pleads, “please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back.” And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says: “He had a hat!” (Myron Cohen)
- Long Jokes – A Jewish man is walking on the beach when he discovers a bottle containing genie. He rubs it and a genie comes out, promises to grant him one wish. He says, “Peace in the Middle east, that’s my wish.” The genie looks concerned, then says “No, I’m sorry, that’s just not possible. Some things just can’t be changed. Do you have another wish?” The guys says ‘Well…for my whole life I’ve never receievd oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish.” The genie pauses for another moment and then says “How would you define peace?”
- Long Jokes – A Jewish guy goes into a confession box. “Father O’Malley,” he says, “my name is Emil Cohen. I’m seventy eight years old. Believe it or not, I’m currently involved with a 28 year old girl, and also, on the side, her 19 year old sister. We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I’ve never felt better.” “My good man,” says the priest, “I think you’ve come to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?” And the guy goes: “I’m telling everybody!”
- Long Jokes – A man is driving his five year old to a friend’s house when another car races in front and cuts them off, nearly causing an accident. “Douchebag!” the father yells. A moment later he realizes the indiscretion, pulls over, and turns to face his son. “Your father just said a bad word,” he says. “I was angry at that driver, but that was no excuse for what I said. It was wrong. But just because I said it, it doesn’t make it right, and I don’t ever want to hear you saying it. Is that clear?” His son looks at him and says: “Too late, douchebag.”
- Long Jokes – A guy with a huge orange head goes in to see a doctor. The doctor says, “How did you get such a huge orange head?” The guy says, “Well, one day I was walking down the beach when I tripped over an old lantern. A genie came out and said, I’ll grant you three wishes, whatever you desire…what is your first wish?’ I said, I’d like all the money I could ever spend.’ The genie went Poof!’, and there it was, all the money I could ever spend. Then he said, What is your second wish?’ I said, I’d like a beautiful woman to love me, someone I could enjoy this money with.’ The genie went Poof!’, and there she was, a gorgeous girl who immediately loved me. Then the genie said, And what is your third wish?’…and I think this is where I went wrong…I said, I’d like a huge orange head.'”
- Long Jokes – Three comedians are shooting the breeze at the back of a nightclub after a late gig. They’ve heard one another’s material so much, they’ve reached the point where they don’t need to say the jokes anymore to amuse each other – they just need to refer to each joke by a number. “Number 37!” cracks the first comic, and the others break up. “”Number 53!” says the second guy, and they howl. Finally, it’s the third comic’s turn. “44!” he quips. He gets nothing. Crickets. “What?” he asks, “Isn’t 44 funny?” “Sure, it’s usually hilarious,” they answer. “But the way you tell it…”
- Long Jokes – This worked fine with my level 200a on up.
A man got a parrot which could already talk. It had belonged to a sailor and had a big vocabulary. However, the man soon discovered that the parrot mostly know bad words. At first he thought it was funny, but then it became tiresome, and finally, when the man had important guests, the bird’s bad words embarrassed him very much.As soon as the guests left, the man angrily shouted at the parrot,”That language must stop!”. But the bird answered him with curses. He shook the bird and shouted again, “Don’t use those ugly words!” Again the bird cursed him.Now the man was really angry. He grabbed the parrot and threw him into the refrigerator. But it had no effect. From inside the refrigerator,the parrot was still swearing. He opened the door and took him out, and again the bird spoke in dirty words and curses. This time, the man opened the door of the freezer , threw the bird into it, and closed the door.This time there was silence. After two minutes, the man opened the door and removed the very cold parrot. Slowly the shivering parrot walked up the man’s arm, sat on his shoulder and spoke into his ear, sounding very frightened:”I’ll be good, I promise…Those chickens in there.. what did they say?”
- Long Jokes – A man’s dog has a problem so he takes him to the vet’s. The vet looks at the dog and says that he’ll have to take him to the examining room. In the examining room, he takes a cat out of a cage and lets the cat walk all over the dog, but the dog doesn’t do anything.
The doctor say “Your dog is dead.”The man goes out to the receptionist and asks for his bill.”That’ll be $325” says the receptionist.”What! $325? How’s that possible?””It’s $25 for the consultation, and $300 for the Cat scan.”NOTE: The students might not recognise the word CAT scan.
- Funny Long Jokes – George was taking care of a parrot for his aunt. This parrot was a very nasty parrot. It cussed and screamed and made fun of George, so he took the parrot and put it in the freezer.
The parrot kept screaming and insulting George until finally it stopped.George thought to himself, “On no! I froze my aunt’s bird to death.”He opened the door and saw the bird alive!The bird said, “I’m sorry for my behaviour and will never act up again.George said, “Why the change?”The bird answered, “Because I saw what you did to the other bird.
- Funny Long Jokes – A man slow witted man walked into a pattent office. He walked up to the patent officer and said, “Hey, I’ve got a new idea for a mouse trap.” (Draw a box on the blackboard.)
“Here’s the box.” (Draw a hole in the box.) “Here’s the hole.” (Draw a circle in the bottom of the hole) “Here’s the cheese.” (Draw a line across the hole in the box.) “Here’s the blade. The mouse sticks his head in the holeto get the cheese, the blade drops on his neck and kills him.”
The patent officer looks at the diagram. He understands that the man is a little slow so he wants to be kind. He explains to the man that he does not think the design is ready to be patented yet. He tells the man, “Please, work on it some more. Perhaps I will be able to patent it another time.” The slow witted man says thank you and leaves the office.One week later the slow witted man shows up again. (Draw the exact same example on the board in exactly the same way.) The slow witted man says, “This is the box, this is the hole, this is the cheese and this is the wire. The mouse sticks his head in the hole to get the cheese, the wire wraps around his neck and kills him.”The patent officer, still trying to be kind, makes the same excuse as before. The slow witted man leaves.One week later the slow witted man returns. He approaches the same pattent officer and says, (The exact same things)
“Here’s the box. Here’s the hole. (This time he draws a zig-zag line across the hole and he does not draw a circle for the cheese.) After completing the zig-zag line, the slow witted man proclaims, “and here’s the saw blade.”The patent officer notices the design and the fact that that ther is no cheese. He asks the slow witted man, “Where’s the cheese.” “Ah-ha,” says the slow witted man.
“That’s the point. The mouse sticks his head in the hole
and says,” “Where did you put the cheese.”(When the mouse speeks you must act like the mouse. Stick your head out as if looking into the trap and swing it back and forth as if looking for the cheese.)The implication is that the mouse will saw off his own head while looking for the cheese. Remember the saw blade?
Long Jokes – A jockey is about to enter an race on a new horse. The horse’s trainer meets him before the race and says, “All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, ‘ALLLLEEE OOOP!’ really loudly in the horse’s ear. Providing you do that, you’ll be fine.”
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer’s ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers “Aleeee ooop” in the horse’s ear. The same thing happens – the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, “It’s no good, I’ll have to do it,” and yells, “ALLLEEE OOOP!” really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.
The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, “Nothing is wrong with me – it’s this bloody horse. What is he – deaf or something?”
The trainer replies, “Deaf? Deaf?! He’s not deaf. He’s blind!”
Long Jokes – The Wonderful Husband…. Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: ‘Hello’ WOMAN: ‘Honey, it’s me… R u at the club?’ MAN: ‘Yes’ WOMAN: ‘I’m at the City Center mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $1,000 Is it OK if I buy it?’ MAN: ‘Sure, go ahead if you really like it.’ WOMAN: ‘I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2013 Models. I saw one I really liked.’ MAN: ‘How much?’ WOMAN: ‘$98,000’ MAN: ‘OK, but for that price make sure it comes with all the options.’ WOMAN: ‘Great! Oh, and one more thing, the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking for $980,000/-.’ MAN: ‘well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, go the extra 50 thousand if you think it’s really a pretty good price.’ WOMAN: ‘OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much! You’re so generous!’ MAN: “You’re worth it. ‘Bye!’ The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, with mouths wide open The man turns and asks “Anybody knows whose phone this is?”
Long Jokes – A math professor, John, is having problems with his sink so he calls a plumber. The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, “How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck.” But he pays it anyways.
The plumber tells him, “Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumber and triple your salary. Just make sure you say you only made it to 6th grade, they don’t like educated people.”
The professor takes him up on the offer and becomes a plumber. His salary triples and he doesn’t have to work nearly as hard. But the company makes an announcement that all of their plumbers must get a 7th grade education. So they all go to night school.
On the first day of night school they all attend math class. The teacher wants to gauge the class so he asks John, “What is the formula for the area of a circle?”
John walks up to the board and is about to write the formula when he realizes he has forgotten it. So he begins to attempt to derive the formula, filling the board with complicated mathematics. He ends up figuring out it is negative pi times radius squared. He thinks the minus doesn’t belong so he starts over, but again he comes up with the same equation. After staring at the board for a minute he looks out at the other plumbers and sees that they are all whispering, “Switch the limits on the integral!”
Long Jokes – John was starving!! He was stuck in a small hick town, lost and hungry. He was happy when he saw a small restaurant coming up on his right. John quickly pulled over, parked his car, and walked inside. John noticed a blackboard with a sign written in yellow chalk, “Today’s Special: Vegetable Soup with Fried Chicken and Grilled Vegetables.” “I’ll take the special”, said John to the waiter when he came to take his order. A few minutes after receiving his order John called over the waiter, he was fuming mad. “IS THIS THE SPECIAL!? It says vegetable soup, BUT THERE ARE NO VEGETABLES! It says grilled vegetables, BUT THEY AREN’T GRILLED THEY ARE BAKED!? And it says fried chicken, AND THE CHICKEN ISN’T FRIED!? The waiter was not used to city folks and their attitudes and frankly he was not going to put up with this behavior. “My dear man,” said the waiter looking down at John over his glasses, “that is what makes it so special!!!”
Long Jokes – “Sir you have got to help!” said the tearful man at the door. “There is a family that I know very well that is in desperate need of money. The Father has been out of a job for over a year, they have five kids at home with barely a bit of food to eat. The worst part is, that they are about to kicked out of the house and they will be left on the streets without a roof over their heads!” The man concluded with one last heart wrenching sob. “Well,” said the man at the door, “that really is a sad story. Why don’t you come inside and we’ll talk about it a little more.”“So how much money is needed exactly?” asked the man when they were both seated.“Oh it’s really terrible”, said the man starting up again, “why just for the rent $3000 is needed by tomorrow otherwise they’ll be kicked out onto the streets.”“How do you know so much about this situation?” asked the man as he reached for his check book. “Well,” said the man breaking down once more “they are my tenants.”
Long Jokes – The leader of the vegetarian society just couldn’t control himself anymore. He just needed to try some pork, just to see what it tasted like. So one summer day he told his members he was going on a vacation. He packed out of town, and headed to the nearest restaurant. After sitting down, he ordered a roasted pig, and impatiently waited for his delicacy. After just a few minutes, he heard someone call his name, and to his great chagrin he saw one of his fellow members walking towards him. Just at that same moment, the waiter walked over, with a huge platter, holding a full roasted pig with an apple in it’s mouth. “Isn’t that something,” says the leader after only a moments pause, “all I do is order an apple, and look what it comes with!”
Long Jokes – A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”
Long Jokes – Two men, Jim and John, were walking their dogs when they passed by a restaurant. “Let’s go in and get something to eat,” Jim suggested. “We can’t” responded John, “don’t you see the sign says NO PETS ALLOWED.”“Aah that sign,” said Jim “don’t worry about it” and taking out a pair of sunglasses, he walked up to the door. As he tried walking into the restaurant he got stopped at the door, “sorry no pets allowed.” Can’t you see” said Jim “I am blind, this is my seeing eye dog.” But it’s a doberman pincher, who uses a doberman pincher as a seeing eye dog?” the man asked “Oh,” Jim responded “you must have not heard, this is the latest type of seeing eye dog, they do a very good job.” Seeing that it worked, John tried walking in with his Chihuahua. Even before he could open his mouth, the doorman said “don’t tell me that a Chihuahua is the latest type of seeing eye dog.” Thinking quickly John responded in a angry voice “You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?”
Long Jokes – 3 guys were riding in a car: a hardware technician, a systems analyst, and a programmer. The systems analyst is driving and when they come to a steep hill he finds that the brakes have failed and the car is accelerating out of control.So, the driver pumps the emergency brake, downshifts the gears, and rubs the wheels’ rims against the curb. He finally wrestles the car to a stop. The three climb out and assess the situation.Hardware tech: “Let’s try and fix it. I’ll crawl under the car and take a look. “Systems analyst: “No. I think we should get someone qualified to fix it, a specialist in brakes.”Programmer: “Why don’t we just get back in and see if it happens again?
Long Jokes – Medical alert about a highly dangerous virus called “Weekly Overload Recreational Killer” (WORK).
If you come in contact with this WORK VIRUS, you should immediately go to the nearest “Biological Anxiety Relief” (BAR) centre to take antidotes known as
“Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract” (WINE),
“Radioactive UnWORK Medicine”(RUM),
“Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter”(BEER),
“Vaccino Officio Depression Killing Antigen”(VODKA).
Choice is yours!
Long Jokes – Husband : My love Why are you looking so much pinkWife: When your lovely words touch the bundle branches of the circulatio n system of my heart.It starts beating faster, because, increased output transmitte d to adrenals which start secreting glucagon.To increase blood glucose level and combat this emergency, also increase pituitary output to increase blood estrogen level, caused by vasodilati on and I LOOK PINKMORAL: Never marry a DOCTOR She’ll spoil your love
Long Jokes – A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?” The husband says, “What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?” A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, the car won’t start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?” He says: “What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?” Another few days go by, and it’s raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, “Honey, there’s a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?” He says, “What do I look like, Bob Vila?” The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. “Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them,” she says. “Great! How much is that going to cost me?” he snarls. Wife says: “Nothing. He said he’d do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him.” “Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?” asks the husband. “What do I look like,” she says, “Betty Crocker?”
Long Jokes – It’s Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. “No” says the neighbor. “The seat is empty.” “This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?” The neighbor says, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven’t been to together since we got married.” “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible… But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?” The man shakes his head. “No,” he says. “They’re all at the funeral.”
Long Jokes – A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout. “This dog can speak English,” he claims to the unimpressed agent. “Okay, Sport,” the guys says to the dog, “what’s on the top of a house?” “Roof!” the dog replies. “Oh, come on…” the talent agent responds. “All dogs go ‘roof’.” “No, wait,” the guy says. He asks the dog “what does sandpaper feel like?” “Rough!” the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience. “No, hang on,” the guy says. “This one will amaze you. ” He turns and asks the dog: “Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?” “Ruth!” goes the dog. And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street. And the dog turns to the guy and says “Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?”
Long Jokes – A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, “Here’s a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I’ll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks.” The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator’s mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: “I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try.” After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It’s a woman. “I’ll give it a try,” she says, “but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.”
Long Jokes – A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. “Cold floors,” he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, “Bad food.” They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. “I quit,” he says. “That’s not surprising,” the elders say. “You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here.”
More Funny Long Jokes
Funny Long Jokes – An American lawyer invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him in his mountain cabin. Early in the morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they were picking blueberries, along came two big Bears – a male and a female.
The lawyer, seeing the two bears, climbed a tree.His friend wasn’t so lucky and the male bear caught him and swallowed him whole.The lawyer drove his car to town as fast has he could to get a policeman. The policeman took his gun and ran to the berry patch with the lawyer.Sure enough, the two bears were still there. “He’s in THAT one!” said the lawyer, pointing to the male.The policeman looked at the bears, took careful aim with his gun, and SHOT THE FEMALE.”What did you do that for!” shouted the lawyer, “I said he was in the other bear!””Exactly,” answered the policeman. “Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?”(The check is in the mail.)
Funny Long Jokes – An architect was very famous because he always ordered exactly enough materials for every building he built. He was very popular because he could build buildings at the lowest possible cost.
After ten years of perfect building, one of his men came to him when they had finished a 40 story building. “I have bad news,” the man said “because we have one brick left over!” “Oh no!” the architect exclaimed, “My ten year perfection record is broken!”
Do you know what he did with the brick?
Funny Long Jokes – There was a man who has two dogs, named ‘commonsense’ and ‘trouble’. He always brought his dogs to the park every evening. One day, he only brought ‘trouble’ to the park, and left ‘commonsense’ at home. while the man was so happy playing ‘frisbee’ with his friends, ‘commonsense’ disappeared. The man was so sad and panicky. He looked for his dog everywhere but could not find it. A lady realised it and asked the man, “What are you looking for?”. The man replied “I’m looking for ‘trouble’…”. “pardon..”, said the lady. The man replied in a higher tone “I am looking for ‘TROUBLE'”. The lady was annoyed and asked “Where’s your COMMONSENSE?”. The man whose mind was only about his dogs, answered “At home…”
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