The man quickly responds, “the lawyer’s”.
The doctor says, “Wait! Don’t you want to know a little about them before you make your decision?”
The man says, “I already know enough. We all know that social workers are bleeding hearts and the lawyer’s probably never used his. So I’ll take the attorney’s!”
Top 5 Hospital Jokes
- Adam, an elderly man was seated in the doctor’s waiting room. When he was called in to see the doctor, Adam slowly got up, and, grasping his cane and hunching over, slowly made his way into the examining room. After only a few minutes, Adam emerged from the room, walking completely upright. Paul, another patient who had watched him hobble into the room all hunched over, stared in amazement. ‘That must be a miracle doctor in there.’ he exclaimed. ‘What treatment did he give you? What’s his secret?’Adam stared at Paul and said, ‘Well, the doctor looked me up and down, analysed the situation, and gave me a cane that was four inches longer than the one I had been using.’
- Ronan kept going to the ophthalmic doctor because his eye hurt and the doctor finally discovered his problem. The Doc told him, ‘Your eye hurts when you drink tea, so you can’t drink tea.’ Ronan stuttered, ‘But I love tea. ‘The doctor replied, ‘Okay, as long as you take the spoon out.’
- Doctor Mayo,’ John says, ‘Whenever I get up after a sleep, I feel dizzy for half an hour, then I’m all right.’ ‘Then wait for half an hour before getting up,’ replies Doctor Mayo conclusively.
- A famous surgeon went on a safari in Africa. When he came back, his colleagues asked him how it had been. ‘Oh, it was very disappointing,’ he said. ‘I didn’t kill a thing. I’d have been better off staying here in the hospital.’
- Lain speaks frantically into the phone, ‘My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart.’ ‘Is this her first child?’ the doctor queries. ‘No, you idiot.’ Iain shouts. ‘This is her husband.’
Man: “What are you doing here today?”
Woman: “Oh, I’m here to donate some blood. They’re going to give me $5 for it.”
Man: “Hmm, that’s interesting. I’m here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25.”
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.
Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.
Man: “Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?”
Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] “Unh unh.”
Hospital Jokes – Brian’s stress level was at unsurpassed levels. His wife Maggie was in labor and Brian was sure it was time to head to the hospital. Breathing heavily, Brian grabbed the phone and called the doctor. “MY WIFE, SHE’S READY, SHOULD WE COME?” The doctor tried to relax the poor fellow, “just try to relax, now tell me how much time elapses between the contractions?” “SHIRLEY!” Brian screamed on the top of his lungs, “HOW MUCH TIME IN BETWEEN THE CONTRACTIONS? TEN MINUTES? OK, TEN MINUTES IN BETWEEN!” “And is this her first child?” Questioned the doctor. “NO YOU STUPID NITWIT, THIS IS HER HUSBAND!”
Hospital Jokes – “Just relax”, the hospital staff kept telling Jim, but it was to no avail. Jim’s wife was in labor and Jim was a nervous wreck. After what seemed like a week, to both Jim and the hospital staff, a nurse came out with the happy news, “it’s a girl”, she cried. “Thank God, a girl”, said Jim, “at least she won’t have to go through what I just went through!”
Hospital Jokes – 10 funny things NOT to do in a hospital
1. Throw a pajama party in her room.
2. Bring a pet of hers in for a visit.
3, Make her wear baby doll pajamas instead of those hospital gowns.
4. Have a beautician come in and give her a manicure and pedicure, wash cut and blowdry hair
5. Bring in a CD player so she can listen to all her Frank Sinatra songs.
6. Bring in either pizza or chinese food one night for dinner.
7. Give each of the nurses on her duty roster a $20 bill to make sure she is well-taken care of.
8. Bring in the latest gossip magazines.
9. Play Scrabble with her.
10. The night before she leaves, open a bottle of champage to share with ther nurses and then have a pillow fight !!
Hospital Jokes – Keep Taking the Medicine
Patient: It’s been one month since my last visit and I still feel miserable.
Doctor: Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you?
Patient: I sure did – the bottle said ‘keep tightly closed.’
Hospital Jokes – Quick Diagnosis
Nurse: ‘Doctor, Doctor the man you’ve just treated collapsed on the front step. What should I do?’
Doctor: ‘Turn him around so it looks like he was just arriving!’
Hospital Jokes – Eating Disorder
A mother complained to her consultant about her daughter’s strange eating habits. ‘All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her?’
‘Eventually,’ said the consultant, ‘she will rise and shine.’
Hospital Jokes – A live-in face
When I was born the doctor took one look at my face …. turned me over and said. Look … twins! Rodney Dangerfield
Hospital Jokes – What Vision
Amy to X-ray technician after swallowing some money:
‘Do you see any change in me?’
Hospital Jokes – A psychiatrist congratulates his patient with a progress in treatment.
The patient: Do you really call it a progress? Six months ago I was a Napoleon and now I am nobody.
Hospital Jokes – The Naked Truth
A woman awaiting surgery was lying naked under a sheet on a gurney in the hallway of a hospital. Just then a man in a white coat came by, lifted the sheet, looked for a moment, and then disappeared.
A few minutes later, the same man in the white coat stopped by again, lifted the sheet, looked closely for a moment, then disappeared.
However, when he appeared a third time, the anxious woman worked up her courage and asked, “Doctor, will I be going into surgery sometime soon?”
The man replied, “Don’t ask me, lady. I’m just a painter!”
Hospital Jokes – Time To Take The Temperature
A big-shot businessman with an extremely high opinion of himself had to spend a few days in the hospital. The nurses despised him because he bossed them as if they were one of his employees. He complained constantly and threatened to have all the staff fired if they didn’t attend to his every whim.
When he was denied anything for medical reasons, he’d let loose with a torrent of abuse. The staff was really fed up of having to care for him.
Finally the head nurse came into his room and announced, “Time for your temperature. Roll over!”
“What? No way!” said the man.
“I’m sorry, sir,” she said, “but this time, we can’t use an oral thermometer.”
This started another round of complaints as he rolled over and bared his butt.
After inserting the thermometer, she announced, “I have to go get something. Just stay like that until I return,” and she left his room, leaving his door wide open.
Time passed. He cursed every time he heard people laughing outside his door. After nearly an hour, he couldn’t take it anymore and started yelling for a senior doctor. The doctor finally showed up.
“What do you want?” asked the doctor rudely.
Angrily, the businessman answered, “What do you mean, ‘What do I want?’ You’re the doctor. Haven’t you ever seen someone having their temperature taken? Now get on with it!”
The doctor chuckled, “Temperature? All I see is a sign up your butt saying ‘The real asshole is at the other end!'”
More Hospital Jokes
Funny medical jokes – Best Medicine?
Will and Guy wonder what it that makes for a funny doctor joke? After all, medical matters are not an intrinsically humorous subject. We have come to the conclusion that for many illnesses laughter is indeed the best medicine, or at least helps people to cope. Thus we continue our quest for more doctors’ jokes.
Hospital Jokes – I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labor and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, “Congratulations sir, you’re the new father of twins!”
The man replied, “How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company.” The man then followed the woman to his wife’s room.
About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith’s wife has just had triplets.
Mr. Smith stood up and said, “Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company.”
The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, “I think I need a breath of fresh air.” The man continued, “I work for 7-UP.”
Funny medical jokes – Doctor Makes a Pig’s Ear of Operation
Earlier this year Winston lost his ear. Luck would have it that it was replaced, with a pigs ear, by doctors. They cut it to size and made it look more human before sewing it, invisibly, in place.
Several weeks passed before Winston felt it necessary to return to his surgeons.
When he did, Winston complained bitterly, ‘Doctor, I keep hearing this noise and its doing my head in. ‘The doctor, totally unconcerned answered, ‘Don’t worry, its just a bit of crackling.’
Medical jokes – Examination
A young guy comes to a doctor. After examination the doctor says:
– So, we will have to cut one of your lungs.
The guy is astonished and tells:
– But doctor, my lungs have always been great, I have never had any problems with them.
– I see it myself. But your liver have no room anymore.
Medical jokes – Sex
A doctor asks a patient:
– Sir, were you using a condom during the last time you had sex?
– Doctor, what do you mean by “the last time”?
Funny medical jokes – LSD
A grandson asks his grandma:
– Hey grandma, haven’t you seen my LSD tabs?
– Forget those tabs. Have you seen that dragoon in the kitchen?
Medical jokes – Radiation
Three indicators that you have a radiation sickness
1. You are losing hair
2. Your skin is turning red
3. Your grave is bleak
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