Holiday Jokes – A Football team was on the field during practice, when to their surprise, a big turkey suddenly walked up to the coach and demanded a tryout. “Are you crazy,” hollered the coach, “we don’t give tryouts to turkeys.” Before he knew it the turkey started dashing towards the football and made a fantastic catch. “That was amazing”, exclaimed the coach “I have never seen anything like that! How much do you want for a year?” “Don’t worry about money,” said the turkey, “let me just ask you something, does the season go past thanksgiving?!”
Top 37 Halloween Holiday Jokes
- Q: What do ghosts eat for supper?
- Q: What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house?
A: Hope it’s Halloween!!
- Q: What is the most important subject a witch learns in school?
- Q: Why didn’t the skeleton want to go to school?
A: His heart wasn’t in it.
- Q: Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
A: He didn’t have any guts!
- Q: Why did the skeleton cross the road?
A: To get to the body shop.
- Q: Why didn’t the skeleton go to the ball?
A: Because he had no BODY to go with.
- Q: What did the little girl say when she had to choose between a tricycle and a candy bar?
A: “Trike or Treat”?
- Q: What do you call a fat pumpkin?
A: A plumpkin.
- Q: What room does a ghost not need?
A: A living room!
- Q: Why are ghosts so bad at lying?
A: Because you can see right through them!
- Q: Who did Frankenstein take to the dance?
A: His “ghoul” friend!
- Q: Why is Superman’s costume so tight?
A: Because he wears a size “S”.
- Q: What do ghosts use to wash their hair?
- Frankenstein: Witch can you make me a lemonade?
Witch: Poof you are a lemonade!
- Q: What do you get when you cross a witch with sand?
A: A sandwich!
- Q: What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?
A: A nectarine!
- “Mommy, everyone says I look like a werewolf.”
“Please be quiet and comb your face.”
- Q: What kind of dessert does a ghost like?
A: I scream!
- Q: When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?
A: When you’re a mouse.
- Q: What do birds say on Halloween?
A: Twick o tweet
- Q: What do you get when you cross a Cocker Spaniel,
a Poodle and a ghost?
A: A cocker poodle boo.
- Q: What do moms dress up as on Halloween?
- Q: What is a ghost’s favorite fruit?
- Q: What does a skeleton say before dinner?
A: Bone appetit!
- Q: What does a witch use to keep her hair up?
- Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
- Q: What kind of pants do ghosts wear?
- Q: Why do ghosts make good cheerleaders?
A: Because they have a lot of spirit.
- Q: What did one owl say to the other owl?
A: Happy Owl-ween!
- Q: Why is a skeleton so mean?
A: He doesn’t have a heart.
- Q: What goes around a haunted house and never stops?
A: A fence.
- Q: What did the ghost say to the other ghost?
A: Do you believe in humans?
- Q: What do vampires take when they are sick?
A: Coffin drops!
- Q: What do you get when you cross a duck with a vampire?
A: Count Quackula!
- Q: What is a ghost’s favorite pie?
A: Booberry pie!
- Q: Where do ghosts buy their food?
A: At the ghost-ery store!
Holiday Jokes – Okay, and here’s my favorite winter holiday joke this year:
What did one snowman say to the other?
“Can you smell carrot?”
Holiday Jokes – Sherlock Holmes moves to Asia. He studies the feng shui of his new home and then writes to Santa Claus: “Dear Santa, for Christmas I want you to bring me a yellow door.”
His trusty assistant Watson asks: “Why do you want a yellow door, Holmes?”
The great detective replies: “Lemon entry, my dear Watson.”
Holiday Jokes – Dear santa, For this year I’m requesting, a fat bank account, and a small body. P.S. This year, please don’t mix them up, like you did last year!
Holiday Jokes – 18 year old, Dan was walking home from a Halloween party at his friends house, when he heard a thumping noise behind him. THUMP, THUMP, THUMP, THUMP. When Dan turned around he saw it was a coffin behind him. Dan started walking quicker but the THUMPS were still right behind him. Soon Dan was running, the coffin started running to. Now Dan was running faster than he had ever ran in his life but the coffin was still right behind him! “HELP!” Dan screamed! He ran into his house and tried to slam the door but the coffin caught the door and started following him up the steps THUMP, THUMP, THUMP, THUMP, Dan ran into the bathroom and grabbed the first thing he saw, cough drops, and threw them at the coffin….and of course the coffin’ stopped.
Holiday Jokes – On Thanksgiving day, a little boy overhears his mom and dad fighting. He hears his mom call his dad a bastard and hears his dad call his mom a bitch. He asks, “Mommy, what does bastard mean?” She answers, “Um, it means boy.” Then he asks, “Daddy, what does bitch mean?” He says, “Uh, it means girl.” Later that day, the boy sees his father in the bathroom shaving; the dad accidentally cuts himself and says, “Sh*t.” The son asks, “What does that mean?” The dad says, “It means shaving cream.” Then he sees his mom in the kitchen carving the turkey; she accidentally cuts herself and says, “F*ck.” The son asks her what that word means and she says, “It means carving.” That evening, the family’s guests arrive for Thanksgiving dinner. The son opens the door to welcome them and says, “Welcome bitches and bastards! My dad is in the bathroom rubbing sh*t on his face and my mom is in the kitchen f*cking the turkey.”
Holiday Jokes – A father and son are out shopping for Christmas presents for their family. The son asks, “What present are my sister and I going to get?” The dad answers, “I got you guys an iPad and iPod.” “Wow, thanks,” the son replies, “What will you give mom?” The dad says, “Your mom is getting an iRon.”
Holiday Jokes – A little kid was out trick-or-treating on Halloween dressed as a pirate. He rang a house’s doorbell and the door was opened by a lady. “Oh, how cute! A little pirate! And where are your buccaneers?” she asked. The boy replied, “Under my buckin’ hat.”
Holiday Jokes – Why are women’s breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmastime? Because they were originally made for children but fathers want to play with them.
Holiday Jokes – A vampire walks into a bar, sits down, and says to the bartender, “A cup of boiling water, please.” The bartender, confused and scared, walks up with the water and says, “I thought vampires drank blood…” The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, “Yes, it’s tea time.”
Holiday Jokes – Mother: “Sweetie, make a Christmas wish.”
Girl: “I wish that Santa will send some clothes to those naked girls in papa’s computer.”
Holiday Jokes – Knock, knock
- Q. What do Santa’s elves learn in school?
A. The Elfabet.
- Q. What does Santa like to do in the garden?
A. Hoe, hoe, hoe!
- Q: What do Santa’s elves drive?
- Q: What do Santa’s elves drink?
- Q: What is Claustrophobia?
A: The fear of Santa Claus.
- Q: What breakfast cereal does Frosty the Snowman eat?
- Q: What do you call a cat sitting on the beach on Christmas Eve?
A: Sandy Claws.
- Q: Where does the snowman hide his money?
A: In the snow bank.
- Q: What type of cars do elves drive?
- Q: Why did the Christmas tree go to the barber?
A: It needed to be trimmed.
- Q: What kind of motorcycle does Santa ride?
A: Holly Davidson.
- Q: What do you call a bankrupt Santa?
A: Saint Nickel-less.
- Q: What do cats and dogs call Santa Clause?
A: Santa paws!!!
- Q: What is a parents favorite Christmas carol?
A: Silent night!
- Q: What do you get when you cross a Christmas tree with an apple?
A: A pineapple!
- Q: What do you get from a cow at the North Pole?
A: Ice cream.
- Q: Why do mummys like the holidays?
A: Becuse of all the wrapping!
- Q: Why don’t aliens celebrate Chistmas?
A: Because they don’t want to give away their presence.
- Q: When does New Year’s Day come before Christmas Day?
A: Every year!
- Q: Why does everybody like Frosty the Snowman?
A: Because he is so cool!
- Q.Which reindeer likes to clean?
More Holiday Jokes
Q. Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
A. You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit. Rate this Joke!
Q.Why can’t you take a turkey to church?
A.Because they use such FOWL language!
Q: Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving?
A: The turkey because he’s already stuffed!
Q: Why did the witches’ team lose the baseball game?
A: Their bats flew away.
Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.
Q: Why do pilgrims pants fall down?
A: Because their belts are on their hats.
Q: What’s the difference between a snowman and a snowoman?
Q: What do elves learn in school?
A: The Elfabet.
Q: Why do witches wear name tags?
A: To know which witch is which!
Q: What is the difference between a black man and Santa?
A: Santa stops after the third Ho.
Q. What is a taxidermist’s favorite part of Thanksgiving?
A. The stuffing.
Q: Why are ghosts such good cheerleaders?
A: Because they have a lot of spirit!
Q: Why did the snowman drop his pants?
A: Because he heard the snow blower was coming.
Q: How did the ghost go on vacation?
A: By scareplane!
Q: What does Santa Claus do in his garden?
A: He hoe hoe hoes it.
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