Filthy Jokes – “A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. He shouted at her, “You aren’t so good in bed either!” then stormed off to work. By mid-morning, he decided he’d better make amends and called home. “What took you so long to answer?” he asked. “I was in bed,” she replied. “What were you doing in bed this late?” “Getting a second opinion.”
Top 12 Filthy Jokes
- Q: How do you find a blind man at a nude beach?
A: It’s not hard.
- Q. Difference between a man buying a lottery ticket and a man fighting with his wife…
A. A man has a chance at winning at the lottery.
- Q: What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A: A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
- Q: What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
A: Beat it. We’re closed.
- Q: Why was the guitar teacher arrested?
A: For fingering a minor.
- Q: What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
A: One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.
- Q: Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?
A: He only comes once a year.
- Q: What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.
- Q: How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?
A: As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.
- Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
- Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
- Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
A: Hold on to your nuts, this ain’t no ordinary blowjob.
Filthy Jokes – A young girl came back to Doctor and
complained, “Doctor, last time you did
my abortion, you forgot your sharp
blade inside of me,”
Doctor “Oh I am sorry, did it hurt you?”
Girl, “No but my eight friends went
impotent, ten of them lost their
fingers, and four of them went dumb.
Filthy Jokes – There are 2 girls in heaven first girl:
how did you die 2nd girl: well i froze
everything waz really cold but then
it got warm how did u die first girl:
well i was sure my husband was
cheetin on me so i came home early
from work one day and he was sittin
on they coach watchin t.v. but i was
so sure i ran around the house and
checked inb closets and underbeds.
then i had a heartattack 2nd girl :
well if you would have looked in the
freezer we both would have been
Filthy Jokes – 4 stages of relationship:
– Hand in hand.
– Hand in that.
– That in hand.
– That in that.
If you know what i mean..
Filthy Jokes – An 18 year old Girl got PREGNANT. Her
Angry mother says-Who’s the PIG?
30 min later a limousine car stops in
front of their house & a Mature grey
haired in a very Expensive SUIT steps
Man:Ur daughter has informed me of
the Problem, howevr I can’t Marry her..
But if a GIRL is born I offer a villa & 2
If a BOY is born den 2 factories & 5
But in case of Miscarriage, what do u
suggest I do?
Mom-FU*K HER AGAIN
Filthy Jokes – A person was carrying 3 BABIES in the
The Lady next to him asked, “Are they
The Person said: NO! I Own a Condom
& these are Customer’s Complaints!
Filthy Jokes – Man In Bar Orders Kingfisher Beer.
Lady Next To Him- What A Co-
incidence, Even I Have Ordered
Man- I’m Celebrating.
Lady- Me too.
Man- What A Coincidence.
Why are you Celebrating?
Lady- My Husband & I Have Tried 4
Yrs For A Baby..
Today I’m Pregnant.
Man- What A Coincidence
I Am A Farmer From 4 Yrs My Hens
Were Infertile, Today All Laying Eggs
Lady- Wow How Did That Happen?
Man- I Used A Different Cock .
Lady SMILED & Said
WHAT A COINCIDENCE…!!!!!!!
Filthy Jokes – A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, “We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.” The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor asked them, “Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?” “Pastor, I’m afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks,” the young man replied. “What happened?” inquired the pastor. “My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there.” “You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church,” stated the pastor. “That’s okay,” said the young man. “We’re not welcome at the grocery store anymore either.”
Filthy Jokes – A father and his 6-year-old son are walking down the street, and they come across two dogs having sex. The boy is shocked by what he sees and asks his father “Daddy, what are they doing?” The father, not wanting to lie to his son, says “they’re just making a puppy.” “OK” says the son, and the father is relieved that he doesn’t probe further. The next day, the son bursts into his parents’ room and sees them having sex. The father jumps up and quickly covers himself. Knowing he’s in for an interesting talk, walks downstairs with him and they sit at the dining room table. His son asks him “Daddy, what were you and mommy doing?” Again, wanting to be honest with his son, he says “me and mommy were making a baby.” His son pauses for a moment, thinking, and then replies “flip mommy over, I want a puppy!”
Filthy Jokes – A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, “Honey,you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?” Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife shoulder, and asks, “Honey, please…just one more time before die.” She says, “Of course, Dear,” and they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he’s down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. “Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could…” At this point the wife sits up and says,”Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don’t!”
Filthy Jokes – Superman is flying around the city, horny as hell. He suddenly sees Wonder Woman spread eagle, naked on top of the building. Superman thinks, “This is my chance!” He swoops down, faster than a speeding bullet bangs her and is gone in the blink of an eye. Wonder Woman sits up and says,”What the hell was that!?” The Invisible Man rolls off her and says, “I have no idea but it hurt like hell!”
Filthy Jokes – Two friends:
Tonight I am going to organize a group sex session in my apartment.
Do you want to come? Of course!
How many people are coming?
Three, if you bring your girlfriend.
Filthy Jokes – 16 and Pregnant.
15 and Fucking.
14 and Sucking.
13 and Licking.
12 and Fingering.
11 and Touching.
9 and Kissing.
8 and Wondering.
Welcome To Our Fucked Up Generation…
Filthy Jokes – A man is out shopping when he discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. He buys a pack and shows his wife. ‘They’re in three colours,’ he tells her, ‘Gold, silver and bronze.’ ‘So what colour are you going to wear tonight?’ she asks. ‘Gold of course,’ replies the man. ‘Why don’t you wear silver?’ replies his wife. ‘It would be nice if you came second for a change!’
Filthy Jokes – My wife and I really love bondage. She loves it because she’s a kinky bitch. I love it because I get to gag her for a couple of hours.
Dirty Filthy Jokes
Dirty Filthy Jokes – Twinkle Twinkle little slut
Name A Guy u haven’t f*cked
Was he skinny.
Was he tall
You did them all
Twinkle Twinkle little b*tch
Close your legs they smell like fish
Dirty Filthy Jokes – Boy: when I say something you say addicted
Boy: what made your throat so big
Dirty Filthy Jokes – Roses are red
Nuts are brown
Skirts go up
Pants go down
Body to body Skin to skin
When its stiff
Stick it in
The Longer its in
The Stronger it gets
It goes in dry And comes out wet
It comes out dripping And starts to sag
Its not what you think……
Its a Teabag
Dirty Filthy Jokes – Little boy: *pulls down pants* Whats this?
Dad: Those are your prized jewels. Dont let girls touch them.
Little boy: Okay!
The next day
*little boy comes in shocked*
Dad: What happened?!
Little boy: The little girl from next door tried to feel my jewels so i felt hers
Dirty Filthy Jokes – A little girl walks into her parents bedroom one night. “WTF” She screams “And you want me to see a doctor for sucking my thumb.
Dirty Filthy Jokes – An old couple is ready to go to sleep. The old man lies on the bed but the old woman lies down on the floor. The old man asks, ”Why are you going to sleep on the floor?” The old woman says, “Because I want to feel something hard for a change.”
Dirty Filthy Jokes – Mum: WHY DID YOU HAVE SEX WITH THAT BASTARD!
Me: You told me that if a boy touches my boobs, I must say ‘don’t’ and if a boy touches my pussy I must say ‘stop’.
Me: And he touched both at the same time so I said ‘Don’t Stop’
More Filthy Jokes
Filthy Jokes – Little Student: Madam, when I grow up,
how will my wife have a baby?
Teacher: (after thinking for sometime)
An angel will come from heaven &
over a baby to your wife.
Student: so who do I need to fu*k ??
wife or angel ?
Filthy Jokes – A Guy with 25 inch Long dick to
God : I can’t live with this long dick..
God : Go to that Lake,
U will find a Female Frog. Ask her to
she’ll say No & U will Lose 5 inch.
He Went & asked the Frog : will u
Frog : No
He Lost 5 inches.
He thought 20 inch is still Long.
So he asked again : will u Marry Me?
Frog : No
He Lost 5 inches More.
He thought 15 inch is Great,
But 10inches is Ideal
So he asked again : will u Marry me?
Frog : How many Times do I have to
NO! NO! NO!
Filthy Jokes – 4 Gals take lift in a Car full of
Since no place, sat on their lap
…Grl1:r u Telecom Engr
Boy1:how u know
Grl1:ur Tower is comunicating wit
my Unreachble area
Grl2:r u Computer Engnr?
Boy2:how u know?
Grl2:ur Pen drive is trying to
connect wit my USB Drive
Grl3:r u Automobile Engr?
Boy3:how u know?
Grl3:ur Piston is trying to move
into my Cylinder
Grl4: r u Civil Engr?
Boy4:how u know?
Girl4:ur Dam had broken &
flooded my Village;)
Filthy Jokes – 11 year old girl realized growing hair
legs. Got worried and yelled Mom
about hair. Mom
calmly said. “That part where hair
has grown is
called a monkey, be proud that your
Next morning at breakfast she told
her elder sister
“My monkey has grown hair”
Her Elder Sister smiled and said.
“that’s nothing, mine started eating
Filthy Jokes – A young boy asks his father, “Dad, is
it OK for us guys to notice all the
different kind of boobs?”Surprised,
the father answers, “Well, sure son,
we wouldn’t be normal if we didn’t…
there are all kinds of
breasts.Depending on a woman’s
age, they are different shapes.In her
twenties, a woman’s breasts are like
melons, round and firm. In her
thirties to forties, they are like
pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After fifty, they are like
onions.””Onions, Dad?””Yeah, you
see them and they make you cry!”
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