Email Jokes – ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
Top 5 Funny Email Jokes
- ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
- ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
- ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
- ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
- ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
Email Jokes – Why men should NOT offer advice, even when asked
A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.
One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.
Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. “If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.”
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. “How long will this take? “she asks.
“They’ll grow larger over a period of years,” he replies.
The wife stops. “Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?,” she asks.
The husband shrugs. “Why not, it worked for your butt, didn’t it?”
Email Jokes – Revenge
In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years. Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, “Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire.”
And with that command, the statues came to life. The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, “You still have fifteen minutes, would you like to continue?”
The male statue looked at the female and asked, “Do you want to do it again?”
Smiling, the female statue said, “Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I’ll crap on it’s head”
Email Jokes – ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
Email Jokes – ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, very close to your IQ.
Email Jokes – Divorce Lawyer
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says “I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?’
“But why?” asks the man.
“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.
Email Jokes – Lawyer
Q. What happens if you give a lawyer Viagra ?
A. He gets taller
Email Jokes – Golf Accident
A guy comes to work speaking in a really hoarse voice.
His buddy asks him what happened to his voice. He relates that he was playing golf, and sliced out of bounds into a pasture. However, he thought he could find his ball and went to look for it. He saw a woman looking for her ball, too. As he passed a cow, he noticed that there was a golf ball stock in the back end of the cow. He lifted up the cow’s tail and called out, “Hey lady, does this look like yours?”
That’s when she hit him in the throat with a 5 iron.
Email Jokes – Ed Zachary Disease
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date, nor any sex in quite sometime. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist.
Her MD recommended that she go see Dr.Chang, the well-known sex therapist.
So,she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, “OK, take off allyou crose.”
So she did.”Now, get down and crawl reery fass to other side of loom.”
So, she did. Dr. Chang then said, “OK now crawl reery fass back to me.”
So she did. Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said “Your probrem vely bad, youhaf EdZachary Disease, worse case I ever see, that why you not haf sex ordates.
“Confused, the woman asked, “What is Ed Zachary Disease?”
Dr. Chang replied, “It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass.”
Email Jokes – ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
Email Jokes – ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
Email Jokes – ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
Email Jokes – I sent an email to Xbox support about an issue I was having.
I got a reply back and the email started like this;
“Thank you for contacting Microsoft on-line support for Xbox. I am Ranjit and I will be helping you today with this issue.”
I didn’t read any further than that, I now have a PS3.
More Email Jokes
- The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so.
- All pro athletes are bilingual. They speak English and profanity.
- If you understand English, press 1. If you do not understand English, press 2.
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