Doctor Doctor Jokes – A guy goes to the doctor.
“Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The green, green grass of home.'”
“That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.”
“Is it common?”
“It’s not unusual.”
Top 25 Best Doctor Doctor Jokes
- “Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor-blade.”
“Don’t panic, I’m coming immediately. Have you done anything yet?”
“Yea, I shaved with the electric razor.”
- “Doctor, doctor, You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking!”
“Do you drink a lot?”
“Not really – I spill most of it!”
- “Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?”
“Yes, of course…”
“Great! I never could before!”
- Doctor: “I’ve got very bad news – you’ve got cancer and Alzheimer’s”
Patient: “Well, at least I don’t have cancer”
- A baseball manager who had an ulcer was in his physician office for a checkup. “Remember,” the doctor said, “don’t get excited, don’t get mad, and forget about baseball when you’re off the field.” Then he added, “By the way, how come you let the pitcher bat yesterday with the tying run on second and two men out in the ninth?”
- “Doctor, are you sure I’m suffering from pneumonia? I’ve heard once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus.”
“Don’t worry, it won’t happen to me. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia.”
- A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn’t help.
On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn’t do any good.
On his third visit the doctor told the man, “Go home and take a hot bath. As soon as you finish bathing throw open all the windows and stand in the draft.”
“But doc,” protested the patient, “if I do that, I’ll get pneumonia.”
“I know,” said the doctor, “I can cure pneumonia.”
- A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, “What happened to your ears?”
He says, “Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron.”
The boss says, “Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?”
He says, “Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!”
- Patient to the eye doctor: “Whenever I drink coffee, I have this sharp, excruciating pain.”
“Try to remember to remove the spoon from the cup before drinking.”
- A man goes to the eye doctor. The receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, “I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes.”
The receptionist asks, “Have you ever seen a doctor?” and the man replies, “No, just spots.”
- Doctor to Patient: You will die within 2 hours. Do you want to see any one before you die?
Patient: Yes. A Good Doctor.
- HUSBAND OF THE PATIENT: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
DOCTOR: When the kids are in college. . .
- Patient : I always see spots before my eyes.
Doctor : Didn’t the new glasses help?
Patient : Yes, they do. Now I see the spots much clearer!!!
- Doctor to Patient : The cheque which u gave me has returned back….
Patient to Doctor: The head-ache for which you gave me medicine has also returned back….
- Doctor: You should take at least 10 glasses of water everyday.
Patient: It is impossible.
Patient: I have only 4 glasses at home…..
- Patient: I keep feeling like a Dog.
Doctor: How long has this been going on?
Patient: Since l was a puppy.
- Doctor: You are Very Sick.
Patient: Can I get a Second Opinion?
Doctor: Yes, Of course! You are very Ugly too…..
- Nurse : “Wake up man!”
Patient : “Why, what’s the matter?”
Nurse : “Nothing, I just forgot to give u the prescribed sleeping pills….”
- Lady Patient: Doctor! Please call my husband inside.
Doctor: Trust me, I’m a Gentleman.
Lady: No Doctor, Your Nurse is sitting outside & my husband is not a Gentleman….
- When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, “A very good doctor”.
- He is not dead, he is electroencephalographically challenged.
- “Are you an organ donor?”
“No, but I once gave an old piano to the Salvation Army.”
- A man needing a heart transplant is told by his doctor that the only heart available is that of a sheep. The man finally agrees and the doctor transplants the sheep heart into the man. A few days after the operation, the man comes in for a checkup. The doctor asks him “How are you feeling?” The man replies “Not BAAAAD!”
- What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.
- What is a double-blind study?
Two orthopaedists reading an electrocardiogram.
Doctor Doctor Jokes
Doctor Doctor Jokes – A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked “Is my time up?” God answered, “No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.”
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit by a car and died immediately.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 40 years, why didn’t you pull me from out of the path of the car?”
God replied, “I didn’t recognize you.”
Doctor Doctor Jokes – At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.
After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it. After the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands.
As she comes back the male doctor says, “I bet you are a surgeon”.
She confirms and asks how he knew.
“Easy, you’re always washing your hands.”
She then says, “I bet you’re an anesthesiologist.”
Male doctor: “Wow, how did you guess?”
Female doctor: “I didn’t feel a thing.”
Doctor Doctor Jokes – Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead. The general practitioner looks at it and says, “Looks like a duck, flies like a duck… it’s probably a duck,” shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away.
The next bird flies overhead, and the pathologist looks at it, then looks through the pages of a bird manual, and says, “Hmmmm…green wings, yellow bill, quacking sound…might be a duck.” He raises his gun to shoot it, but the bird is long gone.
A third bird flies over. The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost without looking, brings the bird down, and turns to the pathologist and says, “Go see if that was a duck.”
Doctor Doctor Jokes – Doctor, You say the levels of Dopamine in my brain determines if I am able to enjoy sex, have sexual feeling etc. Why should I pay few thousands of dollars to do my blood test to determine my dopamine level? Some months I have good sexual feelings. Some months not. Can’t I use that as a measure to determine my dopamine is at normal levels or not?
Doctor Doctor Jokes – A psychiatrist gives me some pills and says, ‘Take these and you’ll feel much better.’
I reply ‘But there’s nothing wrong with me, it’s the rest of the world!’
He says ‘Yes, I know, but it’s easier for you to take the pills than the rest of the world.’
Doctor Doctor Jokes – A doctor is going about his business, with a rectal thermometer tucked behind his ear.
He goes into a staff meeting to discuss the days activities, when a co-worker asks why he has a thermometer behind his ear?
In a wild motion he grabs for the thermometer, looks at it and exclaims: “Damn, some asshole has my pen!”
Doctor Doctor Jokes – An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100 %.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said: “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”
The gentleman replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to their conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”
Doctor Doctor Jokes – 4 out of 5 doctors say that if they were stranded on a deserted island with no lawyers, they wouldn’t need any aspirin.
Best Doctor Doctor Jokes
Best Doctor Doctor Jokes – A man went to the doctor.
The doctor examined him and said: “I’m sorry to have to tell you this – but you only have three minutes left to live.”
The man said: “Oh my god! Are you sure there is nothing you can do for me?”
The doctor thought for a moment then replied: “I could boil you an egg!”
Best Doctor Doctor Jokes – An old lady is being examined by a doctor who asks her: “Have you ever been bedridden?”
The old lady smiles and says: “I certainly have and I’ve been table ended and back skuttled a few times too!”
Best Doctor Doctor Jokes – A guy walks into the doctor’s office. There is a banana stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a carrot stuck in one nostril.
The man says, “Doc, this is terrible. What’s wrong with me?”
The doctor says, “Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly.”
Best Doctor Doctor Jokes – A man speaks frantically on phone, “My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”
“Is this her first child?” the doctor queries.
“No, you idiot!” the man shouts. “This is her husband!”
Best Doctor Doctor Jokes – A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem …
In response the doctor said, “When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate try startling yourself”. That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion out he runs home to his wife.
At home his wife is in bed, naked and waiting on her husband. As the two begin, they find themselves in the ’69’ position. The man, moments later, feels the sudden urge to come and fires the starter pistol.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, “How did it go?”. The man answered, “Not that well … when I fired the pistol my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!”
More Best Doctor Doctor Jokes
A lecturer teaching medicine was giving a classoom observation. He took out a jar of yellow liquid. “This,” he explained, “is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant of color, smell, sight, and taste.”
After saying so, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched in amazement, most in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped their finger into the jar and put it into their mouths.
After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. “If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth.”
A man went in for a brain transplant operation and was offered a choice of two brains by the surgeon. He could choose either the Architect’s brain which would cost him $10,000 or the Politician’s which was $100,000.
“Does that mean that the politician’s brain is much better than the Architect’s?” exclaimed the clearly puzzled man.
“not exactly” replied the surgeon, “the politician’s has never been used.”
A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist’s office and declares, “Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday
I broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!”
The hypnotherapist shakes his head. “Not again …”
When I stepped on the scale at
my doctor’s office, I was surprised
to see that I weighed 144 pounds.
“Why don’t you just take off that last four?” I joked to the nurse’s aide as she made a notation on my chart.
A few moments later, my doctor came in and flipped through the chart.
“I see you’ve lost weight,” he said. “You’re down to 14 pounds.”
A medical student was told to remove the spleen from a cadaver. After he did, he kept poking around.
“What are you doing?” asked the professor.
The student answered, “I’m looking for the other one.”
Doctor: If you don’t turn my cell phone back on today, I’ll tell the families of my patients and their
lawyers that you are responsible
for my patients’ deaths because
I couldn’t be reached.
Operator: Sir, if you are expecting your patients to die, perhaps they should switch to a different physician.
I have a friend, a medical examiner, who has an odd way of conducting postmortem procedures.
He keeps flipping the subject over, then back, then over again repeatedly.
He calls it “autopsy-turvy”.
After a checkup, a doctor asked his patient, “Is there anything you’d like to discuss?”
“Well,” said the patient, “I was thinking about getting a vasectomy.”
“That’s a big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?”
“Yes, we took a vote … and they’re in favor of it 15 to 2.”
A psychiatrist met an old patient and exclaimed, “I heard you died.”
“But you see I’m alive,” smiled the ex-patient.
“Impossible,” said the psychiatrist. “I was told you’d died by a colleague who’s had 22 peer-reviewed papers published, so his opinion’s bound to be much more reliable than yours.”
When I went back to the medical lab to have some blood drawn, I was greeted with a battery of questions from the technician.
“Has your address changed?” she asked.
“No,” I answered.
“Your phone number?”
“What about your birthday?”
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